Saturday, January 1, 2011

scared

everyday i wonder will we have a bad day... everything is going so smooth and we have had a little tiny i mean SMALL hiccups with blood pressures but other than that Olivia continues to tolerate her treatment well and has been very stable. everyday i ask god will today be the day you decide to take her back?
in the past few days a lot of things that have happened has taken an emotional toll on me. The loss of Parker, a close friend of mine her son who was born days before Olivia has really got to me. And heather has been so brave and continues each day ... she has been one of the only people that i truly feel connects with me and understands what i am talking about. so of course this would hit me hard. i keep thinking is this going to happen to our family too? and then i see all of these others who lived 1,2,4,22 years and their lives where cut WAY to short and it just has me a mess the past few days.

i also have another issue i am dealing with inside of my brain.... i feel like the pregnancy was a dream like it did not take place... a part of me feels like i didnt have Olivia. i go to her bed and my heart melts i stand next to her and i feel a connection but as soon as i am out of the hospital it all doesnt feel real. when she cries my heart breaks into a million pieces ... i hate not being able to do what i am suppose to do. i need to comfort her i need to hold her and help her feel safe and calm but i cant and this has been so hard but like i said when i am away it all feels so unreal.

video
i took this video today of olivia. she is moving around and i want to pick her up and hold her but i know i cant and i have to settle with a caress of her arm and a whisper promising her that i love her and we will be there in the morning. i really dont think any mother should have to go through this.

i think today has been just a rough day for me... and i cant get my brain to shut down just a little bit . but as for olivia she is still very stable and hopefully tomorrow she will have her chest closed up.

3 comments:

  1. Hang in there, Katie. I know what a struggle it is to sit by your baby's side and not be able to hold or comfort them. Remind yourself that she's in the best place possible for her right now. As much as you love her and want to hold her, she needs more than what you can provide right now. Not easy for a mother to hear, but so true for these little ones. Stay strong. Keep doing what you're doing. I know this roller coaster seems never-ending, but you'll be amazed at how quickly she'll progress once's she's stable and can lose some of those lines. Also remember you have an entire community of heart families supporting you and lifting you and Olivia up in constant prayers!

    ((Heart hugs))
    Kathy

    ReplyDelete
  2. Katie you make me cry :( please dont dwell on the what ifs and just live in the moment as it comes. Olivia is doing so good and she needs her mommy to be strong. Parker is watching over Olivia and as much as I hate it for me I'm glad that your beautiful miracle has her very own guardian angel. I live all of you guys so much and I'm glad I met you I just wish it were because of different circumstances. I'm here for you anytime!

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a sad but beautiful video. Make more please.. precious moments of touching her soft skin.

    THank you for sharing and we are praying for you. <3 I have never met you but I wish I could hug you right now.

    ReplyDelete