scared

everyday i wonder will we have a bad day... everything is going so smooth and we have had a little tiny i mean SMALL hiccups with blood pressures but other than that Olivia continues to tolerate her treatment well and has been very stable. everyday i ask god will today be the day you decide to take her back?
in the past few days a lot of things that have happened has taken an emotional toll on me. The loss of Parker, a close friend of mine her son who was born days before Olivia has really got to me. And heather has been so brave and continues each day ... she has been one of the only people that i truly feel connects with me and understands what i am talking about. so of course this would hit me hard. i keep thinking is this going to happen to our family too? and then i see all of these others who lived 1,2,4,22 years and their lives where cut WAY to short and it just has me a mess the past few days.

i also have another issue i am dealing with inside of my brain.... i feel like the pregnancy was a dream like it did not take place... a part of me feels like i didnt have Olivia. i go to her bed and my heart melts i stand next to her and i feel a connection but as soon as i am out of the hospital it all doesnt feel real. when she cries my heart breaks into a million pieces ... i hate not being able to do what i am suppose to do. i need to comfort her i need to hold her and help her feel safe and calm but i cant and this has been so hard but like i said when i am away it all feels so unreal.

i took this video today of olivia. she is moving around and i want to pick her up and hold her but i know i cant and i have to settle with a caress of her arm and a whisper promising her that i love her and we will be there in the morning. i really dont think any mother should have to go through this.

i think today has been just a rough day for me... and i cant get my brain to shut down just a little bit . but as for olivia she is still very stable and hopefully tomorrow she will have her chest closed up.