Thursday, December 30, 2010

the past two days

December 26th we had the Chaplin at the hospital come and give our little olivia a baptism before the morning of her surgery. it was really beautiful. she enjoyed her dress once we had it draped over her and tucked around her she fell asleep and continued to stay asleep the whole time ... aunt terry was there to watch it and Chris video taped it... of course i cried .
at 815 am olivia was taken down to the O.R to have her first stage of her operations done. chris and i held each other close and cried early that morning because really we didnt know if that would be the last time we saw our baby girl alive.chris's mom dad sisters and brother and grandparents came to stay with us during the surgery and so did uncle pat and aunt di. the majority of the day was waiting and sitting and pumping for me.
i felt like the day went by pretty fast and it wasnt until almost 7pm where we able to see her. i think the hardest part of it all was that i couldnt just go and see her like i was when she was in the NICU. through out the day i did have moments where i was really anxious and felt afraid but then an update of how it was going would come to us and everything was going good. she got through the surgery and was now ready for us to see her. it was scary and it broke both of our hearts to see our little baby layed out and cut open. chris asked to see under the cover and there it was a tiny beating heart.... our 4 day old baby girl was wide open and we could see her heart ...

we had our break downs and chris and i cried... we both take turns breaking down. it seems to work for us... i dont think that seeing a baby let alone your own child go through this should ever have to happen but we know that this is what needs to be for her to survive and hopefully come home with us... knowing that this will be a long journey makes us nervous but we are hanging in there... she has been fighting and staying pretty stable.
(24 hours after surgery)
she is our little warrior! every day she amazes me i see her little face and her tiny little body and just marvel at her strength she is my hero. 

even though when the phone rings i start shaking and when an alarm goes off i jump i think that i really dont know what i would do without my baby girl... she has forever changed me.

(48 hours after her surgery)

i love you miss Olivia 
your mommy 

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Olivia Emma Grace!

so Monday the 20th we started our journey to induce labor and safely get our little miss olive out...
at 8pm they placed cervidil a med that helps soften the cervix and get the contractions going. this was more uncomfortable than anything i wasn't allowed to really walk around or anything but Chris, aunt terry and i sat around and relaxed as much as possible.  i also had an IV line placed that was hell.the placement was bad and uncombable and i was very stressed out about it ... finally they took it out and tried again. they blew the second vein on top of my hand so they had to do it on top of my arm. this was a lot more comfy and i could deal with it a lot better

"ok so they are going to do the cervidil in about 5 min and then i am going to hang out and try to sleep... unless i am one of the lucky ones that dilates right away with it then morning they will start the pitocin. so i may not have any real updates until morning! thanks for all the love"

the cervidil didn't do to much it did soften me up a tiny bit but not really enough to do much with ... it was very disappointing to tell you the truth. but i knew that this could possibly take a bit to really get things going. at 530 am i woke up Tuesday morning feeling pretty happy and ready to start the long day and try to have a baby.

"I'm awake ... feelin pretty good"

the cervidil was in place for 12 hours and at 830am Tuesday they removed it and allowed me to eat some food and take a shower. it was really nice to feel refreshed and ready for everything. 
i also had a few contractions over the night but nothing to eventful went on.

"there going to give me a little food and take the cervidil out... and start the pitocin at 830. ive been having contractions but not to bad :) im feeling pretty good still... but my ass keeps fallin asleep"

so they started me on pitocen and slowly bumped it up ALL day long... they also did a thing called a folly bulb where they take this wand looking thing and it has a balloon on the end of it that they fill with a saline solution and its inserted into your cervix and has tension on it to slowly force your cervix open.... it was HORRID! (at one point i was so weak in my legs i went to the bathroom pee'd all over the floor and blood was everywhere ... it looked like a murder scene) 
after the bulb was pulled out gently "ripped out of my vagina" i was dilated to about a 4-5cm depends on what doctor was checking me... and yes the pitocin was still flowing all day. it was at the highest setting and still no progression at all. 

"update from me! i am 4-5cm still but more effaced and olive is making her way down. i am in a lot of pain but seriously all i want to do is hit the nurse not because of the pain but because i just dont like her. but hopefully olive gets here i need a shower and a good night sleep"

this was when they decided that they would give me a rest and let me shower. they took me off the iv's and let me eat.

"operation get baby out has been temporarily derailed for the time being... i am doing great i got a shower and i am going to eat... i am at 5 almost 5 1/2 cm but even with the pitocin up as high as it goes i am not getting into active labor ... so they are giving me some rest baby girl is doing great but being a pain in my ass lol... ill update later if possible"

Over night nothing happened i had a few natural contractions but nothing major to make anything happen. it was very disappointing....

Thursday morning was when ALL the fun happened... yes Thursday!!! they started me back on the pitocin and every thirty minutes they bumped it up and it wasnt to bad but then again i am comparing it to labor. this didnt really do much at all to tell you the truth and this is when i thought that the baby would never come out !!!
around one o'clock they decided to break my water. this was horrible only because my body was so sore and was tired from the day before. after doing so my body decided ok lets get this baby out. i had one contraction after another ... this was when i started to freak out i went maybe an hour before crying and begging them to take her by C-section because i could not take anymore pain. at about 230 i was at a little over 6cm and i decided i wanted an epidural. i felt horrible that i got it at first but really i shouldn't have. the first one they gave me didnt work they placed it wrong so only my legs and a small part of my belly was numb. so they had to give me a bunch of meds to figure out what was going on and on top of this i was FEELING EVERYTHING!!! so a new doctor came in and had to remove the first one and give me a new one. this one worked very well ... and thats when i could really feel that Olivia was coming... i continued to say she is coming out i know she is... and they where all telling me she has a bit of a ways to go and i told them NO she is coming.

so they checked and sure enough baby olive was coming. there where a little less people in the room then i thought so it was nice. they had me do a practice push and i am a good pusher i guess because with that push she was crowning. so everyone got in place and i gave them about 4 good pushes and out popped the little Olive! it was such a wonderful relief to get her out my whole body had this calm.
she started to cry right away and it was the best sound ever i cried... they even let Chris cut the cord it was so much more than i hoped for. and to top it all off they even let me hold her!!!! my 6POUND 1OUNCE baby girl was in my arms! and boy is she BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!  

after all this they had to manually take out my placenta because the cord had broken off... this wasn't an issue because i got to hold her.
but everything went fine after that ...

i want to thank Aunt terry and Chris and all the wonderful nurses and doctors who helped make this all happen! 


and she is beautiful.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I'm not happy.... I'm in pain... i want to be done... i don't want this to be complicated.....
why is it so complicated.... i had a plan.

I'm sad... I'm upset... and again tonight i am feeling alone.
Olivia i am sorry, i wish mommy was happier for your sake... i wish i wasn't so terrified and upset all the time.