Monday, November 29, 2010

god send me an angel...

So for those of you who dont know Friday night i went in to get checked out... all day (thursday) i had pressure and tightening  in my belly. i shrugged most of it off and tried not to let it get to me. well friday early morning before i was going out for black Friday i started to get worried the pain started to come and the contractions started to seem like they where coming in a pattern. and to top it off i could feel my blood pressure going through the roof . so i drove myself to the hospital at 230am . i had chris talk to me the whole time there.
When i got there they put me on the monitors and took blood and urine... my bp was some where around 145/95 where usually its been close to 118/78 so this made them concern.... at this point i was having contractions and feeling pretty crappy.
so they ordered a 24 hour urine test and asked a lot of questions and this is where they made their decision to keep me....
SIDE NOTE: i pride myself on the fact that i am honest with people with things regarding my past and my feelings so if i cant be honest here then i am not being who i am .
When the doctor asked me if i was ok.. (i was crying on and off while i was being checked out) i told him no. because i am not ok. at all. i dont want anyone to think i am ungrateful because this isnt the case. i have a lot of family and friends who check up on me and love me but i am not ok. i am breaking down and losing my grip on all of this. i am terrified and sad. i am angry that this has to be so hard. im heartbroken my husband has to miss this time. i feel guilty for wanting people to stop what they are doing just to be with me. i feel like i am in the way and burden the ones around me... i feel horrible neglected at times... i feel homeless and unstable..... i talked to the doctor about my feelings of depression and the fear that i may neglect myself which would be neglecting Olivia because of how far from happy i feel.

This all was a big reason they held me over the weekend i was having horrible panic attacks and it was not good for me or the baby. they where worried i wasnt getting the rest i needed either so they kept and eye on me.
As far as olivia goes she is doing good and is safe. i am not dilated and my cervix is still thick and closed. but when i get to worked up i get contractions. they are seeing me a few times a week now and are sending me to a special program for expecting mothers and new moms suffering from depression.

 Coming home, honestly i didnt want to leave. i felt safe and i felt like i didnt have to worry about anything. every so often some one would come in and make sure i was ok and talk to me and i could say i am not doing good at all and they would listen and stay as long as i needed them to. i didnt feel like i was in anyones way ... but today when they decided to release me i panicked and cried... in a way i felt like this validated that i was in the way and it reminded me that i dont have my own safe place to curl up at. Chris will be home the tenth and i keep saying to myself less than 2 weeks and i will be with him and then i can breath and he can hold me when i feel like this.

Well thats what my weekend was like.... i wrote this to write down my feelings and how this weekend was to me... but please know that i am grateful for the friends and family i have and the new friends who where worried about me....

I leave here saying and praying "GOD please send me an angel, please send down the strength to make it through this...please help dry my tears and calm my worries and fears... and please watch over my little olive and i " amen

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

dear olivia

dear my precious sweet baby girl,
tomorrow is thanksgiving and i would like you to know how thankful i am to have been blessed with you. I know that if i had it my way you would have a whole heart but i am coming to a peace with all of this. you baby girl are very special! and i love you.
you are going to be amazing and perfect in every way. i dream about how you are going to be such a strong young woman.
Monday i met with another young woman who has the same heart condition you do. it was very nice to get to talk to her. And i hope that one day you and Jeni will be close!
I adore you my pretty baby. daddy will be home in two weeks and then the hunt is on and we will find us a happy home for you , daddy, sissy and mommy! <3

on Saturday we went and got a 3d ultra sound done and we got to see your beautiful face! here are some of those!

 the last two are really funny to me auntie Cami started to talk to you and you didnt like that all! but i promise you i will make it my mission to keep you happy and calm as much as mommy can!

love you little miss olive!

always your mommy

Monday, November 15, 2010

non-stress test

miss olive had a rough day ... so she failed the first half of the non-stress test... she wasnt moving her heart rate stayed at about 130-135 but little to no movement. so they gave me ice water to see if we could wake sleepy pie up and no dice... poor baby just got they waited a while and then decided to buzz her... it is this thing that looks like a massager and it makes a loud sound and vibrates my whole belly... this woke her up for a short while and she moved and her heart rate at one point did get to 160 so this was good for them but this was at the end... they are hoping that baby girl was just tired and thats it... but i have another appointment on Thursday and i am pretty sure they are going to do a full work up.. oh anticipation...

also Chris's dad found out that he has cancer :( 
god this year needs to be over

Thursday, November 11, 2010

grumpy pants

i woke up today in  a bad mood.. well seriously how long does it take to make a fucking choice either we can go to this base or not... everything is taking so fucking long. i dont even feel close to my husband right now because every time i talk to him i get angry that he is not here i know its not his fault but i cant help but be angry. i am thankful for the help that the military provides for us but it is hard to keep it together. i cant even set up for our baby. i have no home and all my shit is in boxes.
i need Chris here. i'm tired of being alone.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

i got my hair done today...

i needed a boost... i feel ok but i feel a sad spell coming . so i am hoping this peps me up a bit and holds it off for a while. little miss is moving a lot and her stress test was really good well at least thats what the nurse said!
she was moving so much the whole time lol.
here is my hair:

Sunday, November 7, 2010

baby shower and madness

so yesterday was our baby shower...
my lovely sister in law threw it for me. it turned out really nice. well at least i think it did , I've only been to one other and i didn't really even stay that long to see what goes on.
all day i had to choke back tears. by the end of the day i was panicking . knowing baby girl is going to be here very very soon makes me nervous and scared plus there is still no orders nor house... or husband. but i will share a few pictures from the event ... most of them i look horribly fat because of angles and others are blurry ...
but don't get me wrong it was a really good day and i am so thankful for the gifts and awesome things little Olivia got! she is already so loved!

there where a lot more i am just to tired to post them all hope you enjoyed lol :D

Monday, November 1, 2010

why did i even get out of bed today?

i ask myself this a lot lately... i realize i should be staying positive and i shouldnt be feeling down i mean i do have family who are helping me through this but seriously ... seriously my life seems so lonely and empty right now. i miss my husband, he is my best friend. i miss having lunch with him i miss waking up with him ... i miss just being held by him.
Olivia has been super active and it makes me wonder... will she be like this when she is out here in this world or will she just lay there? its hard to even be close to her right now. when all i want to do is cry i feel like talking to her and whatnot is just not good. i dont know.
i should have just staying in bed all day..