Monday, November 29, 2010

god send me an angel...

So for those of you who dont know Friday night i went in to get checked out... all day (thursday) i had pressure and tightening  in my belly. i shrugged most of it off and tried not to let it get to me. well friday early morning before i was going out for black Friday i started to get worried the pain started to come and the contractions started to seem like they where coming in a pattern. and to top it off i could feel my blood pressure going through the roof . so i drove myself to the hospital at 230am . i had chris talk to me the whole time there.
When i got there they put me on the monitors and took blood and urine... my bp was some where around 145/95 where usually its been close to 118/78 so this made them concern.... at this point i was having contractions and feeling pretty crappy.
so they ordered a 24 hour urine test and asked a lot of questions and this is where they made their decision to keep me....
SIDE NOTE: i pride myself on the fact that i am honest with people with things regarding my past and my feelings so if i cant be honest here then i am not being who i am .
When the doctor asked me if i was ok.. (i was crying on and off while i was being checked out) i told him no. because i am not ok. at all. i dont want anyone to think i am ungrateful because this isnt the case. i have a lot of family and friends who check up on me and love me but i am not ok. i am breaking down and losing my grip on all of this. i am terrified and sad. i am angry that this has to be so hard. im heartbroken my husband has to miss this time. i feel guilty for wanting people to stop what they are doing just to be with me. i feel like i am in the way and burden the ones around me... i feel horrible neglected at times... i feel homeless and unstable..... i talked to the doctor about my feelings of depression and the fear that i may neglect myself which would be neglecting Olivia because of how far from happy i feel.

This all was a big reason they held me over the weekend i was having horrible panic attacks and it was not good for me or the baby. they where worried i wasnt getting the rest i needed either so they kept and eye on me.
As far as olivia goes she is doing good and is safe. i am not dilated and my cervix is still thick and closed. but when i get to worked up i get contractions. they are seeing me a few times a week now and are sending me to a special program for expecting mothers and new moms suffering from depression.

 Coming home, honestly i didnt want to leave. i felt safe and i felt like i didnt have to worry about anything. every so often some one would come in and make sure i was ok and talk to me and i could say i am not doing good at all and they would listen and stay as long as i needed them to. i didnt feel like i was in anyones way ... but today when they decided to release me i panicked and cried... in a way i felt like this validated that i was in the way and it reminded me that i dont have my own safe place to curl up at. Chris will be home the tenth and i keep saying to myself less than 2 weeks and i will be with him and then i can breath and he can hold me when i feel like this.

Well thats what my weekend was like.... i wrote this to write down my feelings and how this weekend was to me... but please know that i am grateful for the friends and family i have and the new friends who where worried about me....

I leave here saying and praying "GOD please send me an angel, please send down the strength to make it through this...please help dry my tears and calm my worries and fears... and please watch over my little olive and i " amen


  1. Katie, if you need me let me know. I may not be able to drive out there as often as id like but I'm only a text or call away.

  2. Katie, I knew you were upset but I didn't know you were that down. I know you wrote this about a month ago but I want you to know you are not a burden on anyone, not now, not ever will you burden anyone. Even with Chris home if you still feel the need for more help I would drop everything in a second and be on the next plane to Cali! My health has gotten a lot better, just dealing with pain but don't feel sick hardly ever anymore. I don't know your situation when it comes to friends and family but if you ever start to feel abandoned or a burden to those who are there DO NOT HESITATE TO GIVE ME A CALL OR MESSAGE. No explanation needed and I'm there. You have become a great friend to me and I want to be there for you in any way possible. I love you and your little fighter Olivia. You can tell just by looking at her there is one tough fighter ready to take on any challenge. Not to mention she is absolutely adorable, even with all the wires and tubes. I know it sounds kinda crazy, but when I was looking at the day 2 pics, she looked all nice and pink like a healthy baby and not sick. Under all those tubes and bandages and machines you and Chris have an absolutely precious beautiful girl. And I absolutely mean it, if you need me I will be there for you right away, whether it's you needing me there or you just need someone to talk to or just be there so you can break down and just cry or scream or whatever you need to do to feel better. I love you Katie and can't wait to meet your new family of 4! In my heart you are my precious little sister.

    Sending hugs and kisses to everyone. If you are allowed, give the baby a kiss for me. Hope everyone is doing as well as to be expected.
    Love you!
    ~ Shannon
    Please let Chris now that I pray for him just as much I do for you, and even though I don't know him I still care for him and the offer I just made for you, I will do the same for him.
    I hope you two were able to get some rest before your discharge later. Going to say an extra prayer sound that time to give you two the strength to walk out those doors knowing your baby has to stay and get stronger.