Wednesday, June 22, 2011

the sharp knife of short life

If i die young...

thinking about the lyrics of this song... people start to listen when your dead? i remember the flood of friends request on my facebook... how the followers of my blog jumped up... still i get multiple request everyday...
i wish that they got to see olivia when she was alive... i wish i didnt have to talk about her death... i wish she was here and i had nothing exciting to report. well i guess thats a lie... everything in my little miss's life was exciting... man i miss her.

i have a interview today at carters. i really hope that i get it. i need something positive in my life. something to move forward to feel like i have something again. something to call mine. throw myself into work ... maybe make me feel a little better about where my life has dumped me off on the side of the road and said "here we are going to just stay here a while" then maybe i can find some flowers in this empty field  or a butterfly to chase.

Life at home could be a lot better but chris and i are working on being ok. some days are harder but what can you do.

Friday, June 17, 2011

things are...

just to hard right now...
there is no way to feel ok.

i just want to be ok right now.

i miss olivia. things just are not ok.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

why is this week so hard?

why am i struggling with this week so bad...
why am i having such a hard time getting out of bed
why do i have to talk myself into getting up
why does this pain  make my body ache
why is she not in my arms
why do people feel they must treat me ... not going to get into that.

a whole bunch of whys the list can go on...

i hate that she had to go.

why cant i be with you.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


I felt that sting...the pain got a hold of me and didnt let go.
Days like today i am overwhelmed by tremendous hurt. I question god ...
Please tell me why you made me a woman? where as a woman is designed to create life...I could not do so.
My heart breaks knowing that in a couple weeks my sweet child would have been 6 months old. I found a photo of myself when i was 7 months and it ripped through my heart. Olivia looked so much like me. Knowing i will not see her grow up into the beautiful young woman i know she would have been, destroys me.

dearest mommy

Dearest Mommy, 
When you wonder the meaning of life and love 
Know that I am with you 
Close your eyes and feel me kissing you 
In the gentle breeze across your cheek 
When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again 
Quiet your mind and hear me 
I am in the whisper of the heavens 
Speaking of your love 
When you lose your identity 
When you question who you are 
Where you are going 
Open your heart and see me 
I am the twinkle in the stars 
Smiling down upon you 
Lighting the path for your journey 
When you awaken each morning 
Not remembering your dreams 
But feeling content and serene 
Know that I was with you 
Filling your night with thoughts of me 
When you linger in the remnant pain 
Wholeness seeming so unfamiliar 
Think of me and know that I am with you 
Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend 
Easing the pain 
As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky 
In that breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit 
Think of our time together, all too brief, but ever brilliant 
When you were certain of your destiny 
Know that God created that moment in time, just for us. 
Dearest Mommy, I am with you always 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Bike ride across country

My baby is doing it right now as we speak. Her little owl is safely placed on a close friend of ours Nick Busta's bike. Right on his handle bars where he can see it! they are all they way in Utah now they started their ride on June 1st. you see this is a special bike ride. they are riding for heart babies, teenagers and adults living with a broken heart. Jeni and Nick do so many amazing things i am so happy that we got to meet. They also where at Stanford the DAYS (lol yes days) of labor and the special day Olivia graced us with her amazing presence.

It makes me happy to know a little piece of Olivia gets to travel the country side. I know she would have loved seeing all the sites! I am proud of Jeni and Nick for doing such amazing things in the CHD community and i am even more excited and happy to say what wonderful people they truly are.

want to see more about their bike ride and what they are up to? go

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


is pretty high in my mind...
but i did get up and go to the post office, Starbucks, and the commissary today. and i made a special dinner for Chris's bday and a cake to celebrate the day with him.

but we have Evelynn and she is acting out. she complains a lot about her boo boo's and says she has boo boos like her mom,papa,me and baby sister a lot. some days she throws a fit where she is soaked in sweat and coughing ... its frustrating because i cant do much for fake boo boos .

hopefully she will settle out after a bath.

Ive also started cutting coupons to see if i can save us some money. hopefully it works.