Monday, September 6, 2010

a post about feelings/ and a note to my girl

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen. There will be solid ground to stand on or you will be taught to fly."

a few things... i had an OK few days... well my mom and i did get into it and it was pretty bad... i stayed up all night crying and sad. we where screaming at each other and it was horrible. poor baby girl must have been terrified... i felt so guilty i just held my tummy and cried... "please forgive me olive...mommy isn't mad at you ... mommy loves you with all of her heart".... well i am finding things that hit a spot and things that make me either say "YES " that's what i want to say or "that's how i feel" i just thought I'd share...

what not to say to grieving person(s)...

“I know what you are feeling”

-No, you don't. And you really don’t want to. No matter what you have been though, no one knows what another person's pain is like. It is true. Even in the same situation, different people experience pain differently.

 “It could be worse.”

-Yeah, it probably could. But I don’t want to think about that either.

“You have to hold it together. Be strong”

-I’m sorry my grief upsets you. I’ll try to hold it together for your benefit, um-kay?

“Call me/pm me/text me if you need anything.”

-Odds are, we won't. Odds are we are so engrossed in what we are dealing with that having to actively seek help means we won't get it. If you want to help, do something productive and proactive. This part doesn't really work here very well, unless you pm the person regularly and ask how they are doing.. AND mean it. If this is an IRL situation for you, You should call and say 'I'd like to do some chores for you, I'd like to come cook a meal/bring leftovers, straighten up....Ect. It doesn't often help to ask what they need done because it is hard to ask people to do stuff you normally do and they don't want to put you out. So YOU should make a proactive effort to decide what to do.

“How are you?” (and not mean it.)
-You can tell the difference between people who ask because they want to know and the ones who ask because they feel as though they have to or who are only interested in short, positive answers. They never are very concerned with the actual answer to the question.

“It will be okay”

-Maybe. Someday. But I can't conceive of it ever being okay right now or for the foreseeable future. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow all better. We will heal, but it'll never be 'okay'

Although i have not lost my little girl i have lost a lot of what i thought was going to be... this maybe hard for some one to understand but ... i was one of the woman that was looking forward to a cranky baby and the feedings ... the "normal" baby things... part of that storybook life i dreamed of was shattered the day they told me about Olivia's heart... i get this maybe sad/depressing/ irritating but i do have all of these thoughts going through my mind. a friend of mine said to me ":she is a blessing no matter what"  she is a blessing but i don't think some one who hasn't had to go through something like this can really wrap their head around the pain that grows inside of you as your baby gets closer to birth you know you need faith and you know you must be strong but truly the stress and anxiety of it all eats away at you.

When I became a heart mother...

One day my world
came crashing down,
I'll never be the same.
They told me that
my child was sick...
I thought, am I to blame?
I don't think I can handle this...
I'm really not that strong.
It seemed my heart
was breaking...
As, I'd loved her for so long.
I will not give up on this child...
despite your best "advice".
I will give my child a chance...
No matter what the price.
And I will learn all that I need...
to help my child to thrive.
I'll even use that feeding tube...
My child will survive!
Will he require therapy?
What if he can't gain weight?
Alright God I can do this...
I will not curse our fate.
The feeding pump beeps,
at 3:00 a.m.
It serves as my reminder...
How many parents would
welcome that sound?
Tomorrow Lord,
I will be kinder.
Another angel earns
their wings...
and I run to my sleeping
child's bed...
I watch her then, for
quite awhile...
Bend down and kiss her head
Then I cry for the parents
whose lives have been broken,
And I look to God
wondering why?
Oh Lord, I just can't
know your ways...
No matter how I try.
And yet, I trust You to
hold her life,
And guide us through
each day
My mind says savor each
moment she's here...
But my heart whispers,
"Please let her stay".
From... pacing the
surgical waiting room...
to sitting by her hospital bed...
From... wishing for a
good night's sleep...
to learning every med...
From wondering will
she be alright?
to watching her reach
out her hands.
With every smile, my
heart just melts..
despite life's harsh demands
For all who see
that faded line...
I look to them and smile...
You see, my child is
loved so much...
I would face any trial.
That same scar I trace
with my finger...
It's the door to her
beautiful heart
I never guessed how
much I'd love her...
Just as YOU loved her
right from the start
A heart mom is
always a heart mom...
Now wise beyond her years
And for those who have
angels in heaven...
Our hearts share in
all of your tears.
Everyday I will strive
to remember...
You chose me for her
and no other
And I will embrace
that beautiful day...
When I became a "heart mother".

~Stephanie Husted

**** My baby Olivia... if/when you ever read this please know that we love you and we want you to live your life to the fullest... we want to take you to your first you ride a bike... hold you when that first boyfriend breaks your heart...we want to help you get ready for your prom...get you your first car...and watch you get married... i can see it now you look like an angel in your gown...although your mommy and daddy are very scared about the road to come we never ever will stop loving you you make us so happy... i knew you would give us "hell" and baby girl you are but we will always be by your side and be there for you when you need us! have faith in yourself and in god and everything will be better in the end i love you my little olive and so does so so many people don't ever forget that!****

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