i want the weekend to be over already. i want to go to Stanford and get these appointments done with.
today i feel like i don't want to be pregnant anymore...not only do i feel like a cow and nothing is comfortable to wear but i could really use a night of some hardcore drinking.
this week has been just bad.
I was told not to dwell on what is going to be different but to remember that there are going to be plenty of things that will be "normal" when Olivia gets here. but truthfully i don't want to get my hope up about it because there is a mortality rate for a reason... there are mothers that don't get to see there babies because they didn't survive through the battle.... i try to think about how happy the day will be when she gets here but it makes me freak out .
not having Chris here is really taking a toll on me. i am so unbelievably lonely and i HATE living with my parents AGAIN. i miss having my own space my own kitchen some where that is home. i hate having to ask (beg) my parents to go to lunch with me... and on top of it all friends... you know when i got pregnant i knew there would be some fall out but seriously... a lot of my friends don't even text me anymore.. and i swear i don't talk to them about being depressed and what not i am still me i just cant drink. but its like i have a disease and HLHS is something there future children can catch. i get that i am far away and that people have lives but seriously you cant even text me?
i am going stir crazy locked up here. and there is nothing i can do about it ... plus i have no money so i cant even take the train or something somewhere...
I'm done with this year.
i knew that this was going to be hard... but this isn't something i thought nor do i want to do alone.