feeling it....

I'm noticing that i have days where i am a fucking mess ... seriously all i can think is what the fuck!? why is this happening. when i went to the pediatric cardiologist  doctor the other day it really threw me for a loop i should have known that it would be the worst case scenario ... her heart is in really bad shape. and its looking like right now she will spend about the first 6 months of her life for sure in a hospital. :( and i will not be able to hold her after birth she will be rushed away to get a surgery ... breaks my heart. if you take a look at the picture the yellow marks are where the passage needs to be open and hers are not. so before she is able to have the first step of the surgery she will have to have a catheter  procedure done to open up these passages... meaning mommy and daddy doesn't get to bask in the glory of the beautiful baby they made, they get to sit in a hospital room with out their sweet little girl because she will be in another room getting taken care of.

 Ive been reading that this is called mourning the loss of a "perfect baby" ... but truthfully i feel like i am mourning much more than that ... i joked about it before having a downs child and honestly i would take that over this any day... why does this have to be so hard? i am so angry today this isn't fare. i feel jealous of these moms who get to take their little ones home. it makes me angry when i hear about these little things they get to do or "have to do"  and just wish that was my biggest complaint. heaven forbid your baby only let you sleep 4 hours last night...or the nursery needed to be a lighter blue but your husband got the wrong color blue. i have to think of hospitals stays ... what will i need to accommodate the medical needs of my baby...where will i stay during the countless nights she will be hooked up to machines to keep her alive. i really wish more mothers would realize how special it is to be able to have a healthy happy baby..

i am trying to stay positive but if you've never been in my shoes then i don't want to hear it right now. you don't know what i am feeling .... this isn't easy and i don't feel strong i feel helpless and hurt.