Thursday, September 29, 2011

i understand

i understand now why people kill themselves (and before you get your undies so far up your ass you choke on them no i am not suggesting that i am going to or want to kill myself) now back to what i was saying ... i understand why people do it. the pain gets to overwhelming and they cant handle it anymore... i feel this suffocating pain a lot these days with the struggle of money, the struggle between my husband and his Ex, the thought of if my unborn baby being very sick, and the one that keeps me the closest to that edge the thoughts and images of my daughter in her last hours her on earth.
her little body is cold and pale and she was puffy... she was no longer moving and or breathing it was torture to watch it and it is burned in my memory forever... nights like tonight it is clear and even the smells of the hospital are burning my nose. the feeling of holding your childs lifeless body is the most horrible thing any person could ever go through... and it is burned into me... pray to god that you NEVER know this pain.

i live with it every day... i go to bed with it and i wake up with it... i have to go through my life like i havent been touched by this pain....

and peopl,e lie about it ... they make up story's about it... they tell others they have been in these shoes. they FUCKING lie about it... its sick. "mothers" throw their children in trash bins and beat them ... while i sit here staring at a urn with my daughters ashes... i know some woman that can understand what i am going through....but what about those of you who dont....???? ask yourself what would you do... yeah now times that pain you think you feel and multiply it by billions....

and money yeah it could be a whole hell of a lot worst i do have a house that brings me shelter and clothes on my back but that doesnt mean that i am not struggling...

right now i am just fucking sick of this pain... and until you have felt it ... you need to pray that you never do ... and know that even if you think we (me and the many other people dealing with this pain) are ok... we are not and we never will be.


  1. I would never think you could be ok. I know I wouldn't be. all that matters is that you are fighting for others that are where you were and supporting them like so many supported and continue to support you. something amazing came out of all of this pain. you became stronger than you ever thought you could be (whether you believe it or not) and an amazing support system. I love you and I'm always here if you need me. you are amazing and strong even when you are breaking into a million pieces<3

  2. We do have some pretty sick people in this world and unfortunately we get so wrapped up emotionally that it hurts us deeply when we find out the truth.

    I am sorry Katie that you are having a hard time right now and I am SO thankful that I have not personally gone through anything more than a miscarriage.

    When I first found out about you on BG, I felt a connection there and I knew that I wanted to follow you through this process, knowing you were going to be having a tough road ahead. I would never expect you to "get over" Olivia. I will always be here to talk to you whether it is about something that makes you happy or just thinking about that little diva. I will always be here for you.

  3. I won't pretend for a second I know what you are going through because I don't and whats more I don't ever want to know what its like either. I am so sorry you are having to face this and just wanted to come and send some love, hugs and strength your way Xxxx