i understand

i understand now why people kill themselves (and before you get your undies so far up your ass you choke on them no i am not suggesting that i am going to or want to kill myself) now back to what i was saying ... i understand why people do it. the pain gets to overwhelming and they cant handle it anymore... i feel this suffocating pain a lot these days with the struggle of money, the struggle between my husband and his Ex, the thought of if my unborn baby being very sick, and the one that keeps me the closest to that edge the thoughts and images of my daughter in her last hours her on earth.
her little body is cold and pale and she was puffy... she was no longer moving and or breathing it was torture to watch it and it is burned in my memory forever... nights like tonight it is clear and even the smells of the hospital are burning my nose. the feeling of holding your childs lifeless body is the most horrible thing any person could ever go through... and it is burned into me... pray to god that you NEVER know this pain.

i live with it every day... i go to bed with it and i wake up with it... i have to go through my life like i havent been touched by this pain....

and peopl,e lie about it ... they make up story's about it... they tell others they have been in these shoes. they FUCKING lie about it... its sick. "mothers" throw their children in trash bins and beat them ... while i sit here staring at a urn with my daughters ashes... i know some woman that can understand what i am going through....but what about those of you who dont....???? ask yourself what would you do... yeah now times that pain you think you feel and multiply it by billions....

and money yeah it could be a whole hell of a lot worst i do have a house that brings me shelter and clothes on my back but that doesnt mean that i am not struggling...


right now i am just fucking sick of this pain... and until you have felt it ... you need to pray that you never do ... and know that even if you think we (me and the many other people dealing with this pain) are ok... we are not and we never will be.

5 months

‎5 months ago I stood at your bed..shaking and crying. 5 months ago I watched you fight for your life. 5 months ago I gave you your last bath. 5months ago i told you there where angels and god waiting for you. 5 months ago I told you to not be scared. 5 months ago you took your last breath. 5 months ago your heart beat for the last time. 5 months ago was the last time I held you in my arms. 5 months ago I held an ANGEL. 1 in 100 babies are born with a heart defect. PLEASE spread awareness... because some one some where is remembering the last time they held their angel for the last time.






until we meet again Olivia... 




today has been rough for me in so many ways and i hope it doesn't continue to get harder as these dates pass me by. the pain and anxiety from it is so suffocating sometimes. I went out to the mall to look around and i found myself depressed that i will not be picking out Olivia's first Halloween outfit... and that there will be no cute picture of her tasting a sour candy for the first time... no more will i get to have those very happy loving cherished moments with my sweet baby girl... because she is not here anymore. she will forever be 4 months and 1 day old... she will never grow up with my other children and she will never go to prom. she will never have her heart broken by the boy in her 3rd period class or win a spelling bee... she will never feel the ocean one her little feet or fly on a plane... 




i miss my little girl... i feel like i am missing such a huge part of me.

about rainbow...

Mommy 
Name: kate
Age: 25Pre-pregnancy weight: i was 186
Current weight: 178
How far along are you: 15w 0d Is this your first pregnancy: no i have a beautiful angel in heaven that goes by OLIVIA EMMA GRACEIf not, how long ago was your last: found out may 6th 2010 and had her on dec. 23rd 2010
Do you have any other children; names and ages: Olivia Emma Grace she would have been 9 months today ... 
How many children do you want to have: as many as god blesses me with 
Do you like being pregnant: yes and no... if i didnt have issues with my bp and the worry that something was going to go wrong i'd enjoy it moreHave you had any morning sickness: YES !!!! threw up a lot this time around
Have you had any mood swings: HAVE I??? hahaha bitch in flip flops hahah 
Have you had a stronger sense of smell: yep
Have you had any swelling in your hands or feet: feet mostly  
Have you had any aches or pains: yeah What do you miss about not being pregnant: SUSHI!!!!!
What makes up for that: the blessing growing inside of me Will you take maternity leave: yes
Favorite maternity outfit: anything comfy!
Favorite past-time while being pregnant: sleeping!
you bought any baby things: no
Are you more excited or nervous: nervous... i need the end of october to get here i need to get our echo... i need to know
About Daddy 
Name: chris
Age: 24Is he working: yes Relationship with you: husband 
How long have you known him: sept 08 Does he have any other children, names and ages: Evelynn kay 3 years ... and our angel
How many children does he want to have: as many as god gives us
What is his favorite past-time: spending time with me
Has he bought anything for baby: no
Will he take time off of work to help you: yes 12 days daddy leave lol
What are his strengths as a dad: he'd do anything for our babies
Is he excited: yes he is
PREGNANCY SO FAR
When did you find out you were pregnant: july 13th
How did you find out: took a dollar tree test  because i was getting funny reads on my ovulation testWho was with you when you found out: Just me well the dogs hahahWhat was your reaction: No way!!! are you effin kidding me!!!! OMG !!!How did the daddy react: we both cried! How did your parents react: Excited How did his parents react: they said congrats... we are still a little nervous
Were you trying to conceive: YesDid you consider an abortion: NEVER Who is your doctor: stanford team
How far along were you at your first appointment: 7 weeks Have you heard the baby's heart beat: yes Have you had any ultrasounds: yes 2Have you had a 3D/4D ultrasound: yes  it was amazing Have you had any complications: high blood pressure
Are you high risk: yes
Are you having a boy or a girl: dont know
Have you picked out any names yet: Yes If so, what are they:not saying
Any food cravings:cucmbers
Craziest thing you have eaten: nothing
Do you have any pregnant friends: I do a few :)
Do you frequent any baby forums: yep
Have you felt any movement: flutters 
Has dad felt any movement: no 
Do you or dad talk to baby: I kinda do 
When did you first start showing: ten weeks maybe lol
Do you have any stretch marks: yeah from previous pregnancy not a lot olivia was kind to me 
How have you been sleeping: horribly 
Have you had any really strange dreams:not really
Have you gotten any braxton-hicks contractions: yes. i hate them
Has dad had to make any midnight snack runs: yes lol
Have you made baby shower plans: sort of
Have you registered anywhere: yes 3 places
What was the first thing bought for baby: nothing
Are you going to take any birthing classes: no 
Have you read any pregnancy or baby books: yeah 
When is your next doctors appointment: monday 

Birth Plans 
At home or hospital: HOSPITAL 
Vaginal or C-section: hopefully vaginal again... most amazing experience ever!
Natural or medicated: natural if i can hang but if needed medicated 
Will you be induced: yeah... i will be
Who will be in the delivery room with you: my husband and maybe my aunt
Are you going to have a doula: no 
What are a few things you will make sure to have with you: camera, camcorder,boppy, change of clothes for a few days, zune and laptop
Are you going to take pictures or video: yes both :)
Will dad cut the cord: yes 
If you are having a boy, will you circumsize: yes even though i am scared out of mind to do so
Will any relatives come into town: who knows 
Are you scared: no... i have been through horror... i am not afraid of giving birth
Baby's Arrival 
Do you have a coming home outfit: no
Will you come home as soon as you can: no i will be making sure they are doing all the test before we leave!
What is the best thing about being at the hospital: the care 
What is the worst thing about being at the hospital: constipation lol
What is the best thing about coming home: i have not had a normal home coming ... but having my child home with me is a huge thing for me and my husband 
What is the nursery theme: forest i think 
Will you breastfeed or use formula: boobie baby all the way hopefully 
Will you co-sleep:nope
Cloth diapers or regular: REGULAR 
What can't you wait for the most: watching my child  grow up... 

i wish...

i wish i had more to talk about... i wish i could write a compelling blog entry about life, love and death but really all i can think when i get to this page to write is God why did you have to take her? why did she have to leave us? and God i miss my baby so so much....

people dont want to reread this over and over. i am sure they are very aware that i miss my little love more than anything....

I did however was added to a grieving mother group today and i couldnt help but thank god that my sweet angel was not murdered and that although she went through tremendous amounts of poking and prodding we tried our best to keep her comfortable and she smiled a lot! she did not get brutally murdered or die in a horrible crash.

AND i know that NOTHING i did contributed or caused my daughters DEATH... i gave her life! and i loved her with ALL of my HEART. and knowing this helps me to continue to live each day for her and I both!

as for our lives as of late Rainbow bean is looking good and NT scan went very well. very happy with the results ... baby looks beautiful.
thank you olivia for helping god chose our rainbow baby.


and in case you didnt get it from all of that
I MISS MY BABY GIRL!