Tuesday, August 16, 2011

running circles

I eat, I sleep, i stress, i go to sleep... repeat.
life has been this way this month. its getting very tiresome. the "normal" stress on my shoulders sometimes is to much for any sane person to carry , to make it through the day with out screaming and kicking and thrashing about letting everyone know "i cant fucking take it anymore" now for me throw on the stress anger and sadness of losing my first child and i should be screaming uncontrollable that i cannot take the pain anymore.
i dont. i guess some days i dont even let myself feel the pain. I know myself i know what i am capable of. I am not ready to hit a downward spiral that who knows if i could recover from.

Depression : Ive felt you before, i know what it feels like to have my life crash all around me a few times. I may only be 25 but those of you who know me best know i have lived .... live through things that one shouldnt have to be pushed and pulled and dragged through. Some how I am keeping you away depression ... some how i manage to get out of bed and do a daily mixture of stuff i feel i should be doing. Like getting a job. I need a job so i can hold on to what ever sanity i have left.

Sadness: I hold you when there is no one around. times like this when i am sitting in my living room alone i cry, scream, sob, and wallow in self pitty ( i feel sorry for me and mothers like me that have to know this horrific pain) i try my best not to let you out around others... i mean it is very hard not to but i do my best . I dont want others to alienate me more than they already do. I lost my child it is not a disease you can catch dont worry if you come into contact with me you will not lose yours too (that is if he/she wasnt meant to die)... I dont talk to so many of the people i called friends about a year and a half ago. after finding out about Olivia they just stopped being around thats ok though i understand the " what i dont understand scares me " and the "i just dont know what to say" but thats not important.

New: my life is new, its a new way of thinking and talking ,and loving a new way of just BEING. Every thing is the same but totally different.
i am not the same person i was a year ago. I am not the same person i was 3 months 3 weeks and 2 days ago.

Im running in circles in my head about all of this. Life and how strange it is.

it really is.

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