Monday, August 1, 2011

hello August

well blog you are almost a year old.
i started you because of the horrifying news that my precious Olivia was going to be born fighting for her life. She was a fighter from day one.
Oh how my life has change so much sense August 1st 2010.
i was getting ready to get married to my husband. preparing little details of the wedding... talking and dreaming about my trip back to the UK and how excited i was to be making a family with my best friend.
its amazing how much can change in a year.
Not only have i grown to be such a stronger person i am also more caring and emotionally open to others. I love fully and have no shame in that.
I lost my daughter to a cruel heart defect. i still do not understand why god had to take her but i do know that is not something that i should question. i am forever grateful for her and the joy that she brought into my life.
Although i am torn to pieces inside and still wish everyday it was a dream. i want to wake up and she is still here. but i keep going.

As of this Aug i suffer from PTSD and will turn pale white if my phone rings, i am anxious and i get panic attacks when i am in certain places. most of the time i feel ok. like i can get through but when i feel bad it is bad. I am pregnant and i know that stressing and panic is not good for me nor the baby so i try to talk myself down. i thank god daily that he gave me another chance to be a mommy... i get scared when i think about what could happen with this one but i try not to be scared. i have wonderful support from a lot of wonderful women and i dont think i would have made it this far with out them.

i dont know what i will do later in this year i am dreading the Christmas season ... but i have to remain strong and stand tall and enjoy life to the fullest ...if not for myself then for my Olivia ... she fought so hard to be alive so i know that there is something to live for!

i love you olivia. <3

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