my day

was going pretty smooth... nothing out of the norm. i wasnt upset i felt fine .
then chris brought in the mail. we got a RMH newsletter and in it was this :

i cried out when i saw it... i am crying as i type this. it is a knife to my chest i miss Olivia so much. its so damn hard to see stuff like this.


i love you Olivia always baby girl

one year ago today

i was told

" your baby had hypoplastic left heart syndrome"


i was a newly named CHD mommy....

my life changed forever.

introducing Olivias little rainbow bean!

i just know that if Olivia was here to be with her baby brother or sister she would be amazing with him or here.... because that"s how i raise my kids :D
Although i am very sad that things didnt go how i wanted them to and olivia had to return to god ...i am thankful i have such a beautiful angel looking down and protecting our newest member of the family.

as for today.

i made it to stanford at 10:30am to do my glucose test (2 hour) ... they took my blood. the lady commited an epic fail and i was ready to fire her! lol... drank the horrible orange koolaid! waited an hour... lady failed again but got blood after jamming me a few times.... sat another hour... got more blood taken .... then ran to the main hospital .

i checked in and shortly after they called me back. i laid down and they put the goop on my belly and bam there the baby was!!!!

sorry it is upside down. but there he or she is! 

heart beat was 260 bpm .... yes i know it is high i see that i talked to both the doctor and the tech and

 i am in one of the best hospitals in the world. they both said it is nothing to worry about

 and that if it was lower then that would be something to worry about because of a mc. but

 if the baby is having issues now there is absolutely nothing i can do or them about it so i 

just

 have to trust that god knows what he is doing..

i am a bit nervous but i trust that i can handle the worst and the best so i am taking it as 

they come. that all i can do.

running circles

I eat, I sleep, i stress, i go to sleep... repeat.
life has been this way this month. its getting very tiresome. the "normal" stress on my shoulders sometimes is to much for any sane person to carry , to make it through the day with out screaming and kicking and thrashing about letting everyone know "i cant fucking take it anymore" now for me throw on the stress anger and sadness of losing my first child and i should be screaming uncontrollable that i cannot take the pain anymore.
i dont. i guess some days i dont even let myself feel the pain. I know myself i know what i am capable of. I am not ready to hit a downward spiral that who knows if i could recover from.

Depression : Ive felt you before, i know what it feels like to have my life crash all around me a few times. I may only be 25 but those of you who know me best know i have lived .... live through things that one shouldnt have to be pushed and pulled and dragged through. Some how I am keeping you away depression ... some how i manage to get out of bed and do a daily mixture of stuff i feel i should be doing. Like getting a job. I need a job so i can hold on to what ever sanity i have left.

Sadness: I hold you when there is no one around. times like this when i am sitting in my living room alone i cry, scream, sob, and wallow in self pitty ( i feel sorry for me and mothers like me that have to know this horrific pain) i try my best not to let you out around others... i mean it is very hard not to but i do my best . I dont want others to alienate me more than they already do. I lost my child it is not a disease you can catch dont worry if you come into contact with me you will not lose yours too (that is if he/she wasnt meant to die)... I dont talk to so many of the people i called friends about a year and a half ago. after finding out about Olivia they just stopped being around thats ok though i understand the " what i dont understand scares me " and the "i just dont know what to say" but thats not important.

New: my life is new, its a new way of thinking and talking ,and loving a new way of just BEING. Every thing is the same but totally different.
i am not the same person i was a year ago. I am not the same person i was 3 months 3 weeks and 2 days ago.

Im running in circles in my head about all of this. Life and how strange it is.


it really is.

some xmas photos taken the day before i went in to be induced

what i would give to go back and do it over. labor and all. i miss having my sweet little girl close to me. missing that angel baby of mine.

praying

Psalm 71:20-21 
Lord, Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

over whelmed

so over whelmed with emotions today. so pissed off at so many people ... and because this blog is not private i will not be naming any one. but i wish i could walk up to "your" face and spit in it.

today making a shirt for evelynn to wear to the heart walk tomorrow has really fucked me up. i am so angry ... why the fuck does this happen!! MY BABY SHOULDNT BE DEAD! i shouldnt have to tell anyone that she is in heaven. she should be in my arms.

i shouldnt have to be feeling so awful!

I HATE these mothers i see that take it for granted. your fucking kid isnt promised! I hate the woman who have abortions like it is a form of birth control when so many of my friends struggle everyday because they cannot get pregnant.

i am so angry.



i dont know how to be calm and relaxed in this pregnancy... i have to face that there IS a chance that this baby can be sick too, that i can be sick with this pregnancy and to top it all off my baby died. now i am terrified that it can happen again.


i fucking hate this. i hate how fucked up this world is.

hello August

well blog you are almost a year old.
i started you because of the horrifying news that my precious Olivia was going to be born fighting for her life. She was a fighter from day one.
Oh how my life has change so much sense August 1st 2010.
i was getting ready to get married to my husband. preparing little details of the wedding... talking and dreaming about my trip back to the UK and how excited i was to be making a family with my best friend.
its amazing how much can change in a year.
Not only have i grown to be such a stronger person i am also more caring and emotionally open to others. I love fully and have no shame in that.
I lost my daughter to a cruel heart defect. i still do not understand why god had to take her but i do know that is not something that i should question. i am forever grateful for her and the joy that she brought into my life.
Although i am torn to pieces inside and still wish everyday it was a dream. i want to wake up and she is still here. but i keep going.

As of this Aug i suffer from PTSD and will turn pale white if my phone rings, i am anxious and i get panic attacks when i am in certain places. most of the time i feel ok. like i can get through but when i feel bad it is bad. I am pregnant and i know that stressing and panic is not good for me nor the baby so i try to talk myself down. i thank god daily that he gave me another chance to be a mommy... i get scared when i think about what could happen with this one but i try not to be scared. i have wonderful support from a lot of wonderful women and i dont think i would have made it this far with out them.

i dont know what i will do later in this year i am dreading the Christmas season ... but i have to remain strong and stand tall and enjoy life to the fullest ...if not for myself then for my Olivia ... she fought so hard to be alive so i know that there is something to live for!


i love you olivia. <3