Wednesday, April 6, 2011

the light at the end

i want to see it... i want to believe in it. i want to feel the warmth of it on my face.
earlier i asked for some one to figure out how many days total we've been here at the hospital and it is 91. olivia has been alive a little over a hundred days now and 91 of them has been in a hospital. we want to go home. well i want to go home. it is so hard not to notice moms with their kids at the store and the empty car seat in the back seat of my car. it is a slap in the face.

i dont even really remember being pregnant. i dont remember the feelings i had. i am in survival mode and i just want her to make it out of here alive. everyday i think about how unreal this is. its a weird irritating feeling most of the time. i go out with chris and i feel like i dont have a child.... like i never went through the pregnancy or the birth of my daughter. i feel like to every stranger i am just a semi-fat sloppy young woman who most likely drinks to much and thats why i wear the extra weight around my belly.... not because i gave birth to a beautiful 6 pound 1 ounce baby girl, who sits in a hospital bed fighting for her life everyday. they dont see that.

today i am struggling to see the light in all of this i feel like this is a sick joke that some one is playing on my family. i just wish there where dates and times and a iron clad promise that olivia will get to come home with us and she wont have to return to stanford for many months after this surgery.

everyday spent here it feels like the window of people who understand how i feel gets smaller.

 i am disappointed in a lot of people ... but then again thats their fault for not getting to know olivia. she is amazing by the way. she lights up the room.

and with saying that about her it reminds me that i did find the light.... Olivia is the light. i really hate we are not home doing "normal" things but i wouldnt take it back. so i am thanking god he sent me the light because with out it i dunno where id be.


  1. i will ALWAYS be here...I am a part of your lives!! you are such a strong amazing mommy! this, of course brought tears to my eyes, i dont know how you do are her world katie, she loves her mommy so so much. Keep up the good work, shes counting on you. love you. friends forever ~ stacy gates

  2. Katie, I have all the faith in the world that Olivia will live a long, good life. I am so sorry that you are having to spend so much time at the hospital, it breaks my heart that I can't do anything more than pray for you, Chris and Olivia. I wish I lived closer to you so I could get to know her like you do. I am so grateful that you post so many pictures for all of us to see everyday. Even though I havent met her yet I love her so much. And I have grown to respect you more than anyone I know. You are amazing! For you to go through what you are, with the amount of grace and courage that you do just blows me away. You were chosen to be Olivia's mother because God knows that you, and only you, have the strength and love to be her mother.
    Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is say a prayer for you guys. And the prayers come all day long.
    You are amazing and I am proud to call you my friend. If there is ever anything you need from me, please dont hesitate to ask.
    Sending all my love,

  3. We have been there and know the pain you must be feeling. Of course, we don't know exactly what your story feels like, but we know there are pains and how deep they run. I felt the same way after our son was born. I hated mothers I saw with their babies. I hated my friends who told me I was so lucky to have a baby that was so cute. I hated it! You definitely are on my mind and on my heart. I will be praying for you and your family. I was to comfort you in saying that you are not alone. My son's heart defect didn't require as extensive surgeries, but it will in the future. You have a HUGE community behind you. You are loved. Take comfort and advantage in and of us.
    Thoughts, love, and prayers for you and Olivia,

  4. Oh how I understand! Will pray for your sweet beautiful Olvia to keep on fighting!

    Lots of love,
    Miracle Mason's Mommy (HLHS and transplant)