the light at the end

i want to see it... i want to believe in it. i want to feel the warmth of it on my face.
earlier i asked for some one to figure out how many days total we've been here at the hospital and it is 91. olivia has been alive a little over a hundred days now and 91 of them has been in a hospital. we want to go home. well i want to go home. it is so hard not to notice moms with their kids at the store and the empty car seat in the back seat of my car. it is a slap in the face.

i dont even really remember being pregnant. i dont remember the feelings i had. i am in survival mode and i just want her to make it out of here alive. everyday i think about how unreal this is. its a weird irritating feeling most of the time. i go out with chris and i feel like i dont have a child.... like i never went through the pregnancy or the birth of my daughter. i feel like to every stranger i am just a semi-fat sloppy young woman who most likely drinks to much and thats why i wear the extra weight around my belly.... not because i gave birth to a beautiful 6 pound 1 ounce baby girl, who sits in a hospital bed fighting for her life everyday. they dont see that.

today i am struggling to see the light in all of this i feel like this is a sick joke that some one is playing on my family. i just wish there where dates and times and a iron clad promise that olivia will get to come home with us and she wont have to return to stanford for many months after this surgery.

everyday spent here it feels like the window of people who understand how i feel gets smaller.

 i am disappointed in a lot of people ... but then again thats their fault for not getting to know olivia. she is amazing by the way. she lights up the room.

and with saying that about her it reminds me that i did find the light.... Olivia is the light. i really hate we are not home doing "normal" things but i wouldnt take it back. so i am thanking god he sent me the light because with out it i dunno where id be.