My mind is battling it out with my heart tonight ... as I go through my brain of memories and sounds of my sweet little girl. my heart breaks into even smaller pieces. time has seemed to flown by with such speed this past month yet when I look back it feels like yesterday I was standing watching them try to keep her heart going.
When I say devastation hits all. I mean it. In this time of grief my health...my mind....my marriage...my friendships all feel the wave of unhappiness and pain given off by me. Poor Chris has enough to deal with and I am sitting on the couch crying and sobbing every other few minutes. My friends all want to help but have no idea how. and its not possible to expect them to drop their lives to help me clean up and put together the shattered pieces of my own. this brings in an onset of feelings of loneliness...abandonment...just all around feelings of being lost.
Being lost...it has been given a new meaning for me... i feel it everyday... i sit around, walk around, drive around always in a state of being LOST.
I tell Chris he is lucky because he has some one to give him direction...a career to go forward with (a life) where I on the other hand have many ways to go but cant seem to even get started...to many choices and they are to hard. yes to hard to make. i can decide a medical path for my daughter make life changing choices for her...made huge choices with the funeral arrangements and her urn but ask me to decide on dinner or what soda to buy and i may just break down and cry because the choice is to hard.
Olivia was my direction for so long it is really hard to find a "new" direction.... she was my life a huge part of my soul and heart has been ripped away. I know she is watching over me and I praise god the day I get to hold her in my arms but until then I may just have to get used to being lost and maybe one day I will learn to enjoy little things about getting lost ...like seeing it snow for the first time ....