a true blessing

well Chris and i found out on July 13th that we will be welcoming a new little bundle of joy to our family!

We prayed hard for this and couldn't believe when we found out.
‎"Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.


 We have a special little angel helping us up there. I am hoping that she picked a special little one that is just as sassy and full of love life and wonder as she was! We feel so blessed and are extremely happy!

thank you lord

God is great...
thank you for everything you have blessed me with in my life! thank you for loving me and my family...
i trust in you lord and i am grateful ...


<3

please give my angel kisses for her mommy!

august

with august coming up i was reminded of the horrifying news i received when i was pregnant with Olivia. not only was i a new mom but i was now faced with a even more frighting news...my child would be born with half a heart.
i read a post from a fellow heart mom that reminded me that this anniversary was quickly approaching. I have been brought to my knees countless times in my life and once more tonight i am on my knees praying to god to see me through this dark time. to give me the strength to carry on in this scary world and to find light in my day.

i am humbled and thankful for the amount of support and loving kind words that come from day to day cheering me on and reminding me truly how special Olivia's life was and still is to many. although she was only here for 4 short months she touched hundreds of people and with that thought i will go to bed thankful that god BLESSED ME with such and amazing baby girl. she surely will never be forgotten.

bitterness

so i am starting to think that maybe i should start doing a bunch of drugs, neglecting my family and running around on my husband because it seems like every piece of shit low life has a bunch of healthy children....

so obviously if you know me you know that i would never do this to myself but it is something i am very bitter about. i don't understand how a DRUGGY can go on to have perfectly healthy children... how woman WHORES!!! can go on and pop out a bunch of children and neglect them.... i don't understand why GOD would allow this to happen....
i did everything right ... i took ever good care of myself and the one thing, THE ONE THING that i love the most ...that meant EVERYTHING to me was ripped away from me.

I went to the ER yesterday at 2pm and didnt go home until 1am. they did blood test...a pap...pelvic and an ultrasound (external and internal...) to find out that i have a  large cyst in my uterus and one on my ovary. it is causing a lot of pain and i am 5 days late and my cycle is all fucked up. this makes me furious! why... why do i need more on my plate.... why do i have to keep running into a wall.

home life isnt any easier with chris working 12 hour shifts.

i just wanna call a time out ... or quit. i am so bitter.