Saturday, December 3, 2011


December you are here... you remind me of the little yet huge things i am missing... you bring horrid flash backs to times that are so hard to face... december you are here and again you bring the unknown and scary heart breaking days with you....

last December i anxiously waited for chris to get back to the states so we could have our baby girl. i didnt know what was going to happen , i was scared (TERRIFIED!) ... my life felt like i was walking in a tunnel that was pitch black and i had no idea where i was going.

last December was when  the happiest day of my life occurred... yet the saddest at the same time if that was even possible... Olivia started her fight and so did i.

I am still fighting but i have lost sight of what i am fighting for... Olivia is gone and i no longer have to fight with doctors and nurses or with CHDs anymore....
i feel so lost. she was such a huge part of my life and still not a hour in the day that goes by that she is not on my mind.

i cant find my inner peace. today i was restless and angry and i feel like i cannot sort any of my feelings out.

i hate that she is not here. i hate that i dont get to plan a party and have a smash cake. i hate that others know what i am feeling because they too have lost their baby... im losing sleep and i cant figure it out... i just hate it... December i hate you.

1 comment:

  1. <3 I can't even imagine what you are going through. I wish I was there with you to help to even just be the person for you to breakdown with and know you'll be ok. I remember the day you foudn out and we talked on skype and most of the time there was silence and crying and then anger and frustration as to why this was all happening .. why you .. why your daughter. I also remember when you were being induced and we were skyping and you were so excited and terrified at the same time cause you knew once she was here she wasn't safe inside of you. there's so much I want to say but don't even know how to express you. you are amazing chris is amazing. you are two of the strongest people I know to go through what you have and still be standing. I love you and I'm here even if you just need to cry or yell and scream. always.