devastation hits all...when your lost

My mind is battling it out with my heart tonight ... as I go through my brain of memories and sounds of my sweet little girl. my heart breaks into even smaller pieces. time has seemed to flown by with such speed this past month yet when I look back it feels like yesterday I was standing watching them try to keep her heart going.

When I say devastation hits all. I mean it. In this time of grief my health...my mind....my marriage...my friendships all feel the wave of unhappiness and pain given off by me. Poor Chris has enough to deal with and I am sitting on the couch crying and sobbing every other few minutes. My friends all want to help but have no idea how. and its not possible to expect them to drop their lives to help me clean up and put together the shattered pieces of my own. this brings in an onset of feelings of loneliness...abandonment...just all around feelings of being lost.

Being lost...it has been given a new meaning for me... i feel it everyday... i sit around, walk around, drive around always in a state of being LOST.

I tell Chris he is lucky because he has some one to give him direction...a career to go forward with (a life) where I on the other hand have many ways to go but cant seem to even get started...to many choices and they are to hard. yes to hard to make. i can decide a medical path for my daughter make life changing choices for her...made huge choices with the funeral arrangements and her urn but ask me to decide on dinner or what soda to buy and i may just break down and cry because the choice is to hard.

Olivia was my direction for so long it is really hard to find a "new" direction.... she was my life a huge part of my soul and heart has been ripped away. I know she is watching over me and I praise god the day I get to hold her in my arms but until then I may just have to get used to being lost and maybe one day I will learn to enjoy little things about getting lost ...like seeing it snow for the first time ....

sweet little girl

i am missing olivia today like everyday. its so hard to believe she is gone. everything feels so unreal. like it didnt happen and there is a huge chunk of my heart missing. i walk around with this feeling of dread ...you know that shitty feeling like you forgot something somewhere that was REALLY important and you start to panic. yeah i live with that panic EVERYDAY.
i get angry everyday. i wish that it was easier to get out of bed. the  dust has settled and now i sit at home alone. it sucks because i should be busy with a 5 month old and instead i am able to take off to reno for the weekend and getting shitty drunk. that responsibility switch just doesnt shut off... but you have to fight back those feelings to have a good time.

i miss her . ugh

...

you have been gone to long...
i need you to come back to me.

today there is a strong feeling of jealousy and rage. i want her back in my arms. why did my baby have to die?


:(

a smile.

i wish i could have just one more smile. i wish that you where here and i could hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet little face. Olivia i dont think you knew how beautiful you where. you where perfect. i miss your expressions and you sleeping in my arms.
its amazing how many people miss you so much. people we dont really know even came to your viewing,
we got a new puppy yesterday and in honor of you we named him Sir Oliver the Great. he is a french mastiff and although he can not take away our pain and mend our broken hearts he can help us heal and feel a little better in these sad times.
i really wish i had more to say. i feel so slow and off. i feel like i have no purpose anymore. you where my life for so long and the title of mommy is one i wear so proudly but how do you continue to be a mommy if there is no baby to hold and to take care of?
ive been asking myself this a lot lately.
i did go to the ER the other day and i told them if they would not remove my birth control i would do it myself. it worked. so now it is no longer in there ....good thing because it was driving me insane.
i went insane a few nights back this resulted in 6 officers an ambulance and a very scared neighbor. they thought chris was beating me but really i was beating myself up. the pain was (is) awful ... i was medicated and took to bed. thankfully bob and bonnie where there, my hand is still pretty beat up and my body is sore from thrashing around ...but hopefully i dont lose it like that again.
i am rambling but oh well ...feelings are out... i miss you olivia

celebrating your life

that is today... but baby girl we will celebrate your life everyday ... i love you ...


please give momma strength to get through this angel.


<3

when things get rough...

i sing a song that makes me think of you and i tell you how much i love you.
i know that your heart is finally healed and that you are smiling that big amazing smile down on me and daddy.
i went to pick out some of your things for you and it was really hard but i wanted to make sure you had all your prettys ....


i love you little miss.

i miss you.

even though i know you are no longer hurting i miss you greatly.
even though i know you had to go i miss you.


the silence in our house is overwhelming.

god i miss my baby please give her a kiss and snuggles for me ....