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why god do you do this to these babies...? what did their mothers do to have this terrifying  thing be placed on their sweet new little ones? why do all of these daddies have to stay awake at night worrying if his family will make it through this? why do so many grandparents have to wonder if their son or daughter is eating everyday because they know with the amount of stress and amount of things going on makes it horribly hard to take care of yourself? why do so many of these babys fail to make it to their first birthdays? why did you make us as humans able to hurt so bad when our babies pass away? why do woman and men who lose their babies get forced back into "normal" life so soon?

a step forward but still not out of the woods.

So if you didn't gather from my last post we are back at the hospital and things did not look very good at ALL. there was a couple events that made me fall to my knees and beg god not to take my baby from me.
we brought Olivia in to the ER on Thursday night because she was looking pretty grey and was sweating really bad we where not sure as to what was going on so to be safe we went in. on the way to north-bay our local ER i sat in the back with her to comfort and watch her color. i also had Olivia on her pulse ox (monitoring her heart rate and o2 stats) her stats where all over the place and at one point her HR was at 230. when we got her i the hooked her up to the monitors and watched her and noted her changes but nothing to bad happened... she did throw up a bit and continued to change different shades. so they decided to transfer her to Stanford because they where not to sure if things would get worst or not. the transport was uneventful and smooth.
when i arrived at Stanford they where trying to replace her ng tube and make it a NJ ... and thats when everything seemed to get bad...
i was sitting next to her and the nurses where turned away for one reason or another and Olivia went a slate grey color.... drenched in sweat... ice cold...her body went limp... and those beautiful eyes just glassed over. i was horrified. i saw my life crash ... i begged god at that moment ...
they tried just giving her o2 by the mask and that didnt work so they sent me out of the room and thats when they had to intubate her. it was horrible waiting not knowing if id ever see her smiling little face. i never want to go through that again. my heart felt like it was going to explode and my head was spinning.
Chris was in fairfield because of work and making that call that i dreaded ... "you need to get here things are looking really bad" was words i never wanted to say.

its been a rocky few days they kept her sedated and limp most of the time....

fast forward to today....
they took the breathing tube out and put her on high flow nasal canula. she has been up and down all day and its been scary ... im terrified about the future but there is one thing i am sure of... Olivia is my life and i cant lose her. i will fight everyday for her... we are not ready to give up she is our reason.

we are hoping she will stable out and more answers will come to us but as far as what happened they are not 100% sure but it has mainly been said that it was aspiration pneumonia... not something to take lightly....

Gtube is in the future.

back at the hospital

i never want to see my baby look the way she did yesterday it was the worst thing....

she is intubated and heavily sedated ....

looks like a long road.

some newer pictures :)

pictures from when she got to stanford poor baby had to be on high flow oxygen...

test oh how she hates the tests that they do although neither of these involve pain... hahah

spoiled little one loves her snuggle time :D

i love my baby girly pie <3

fly high travis

CHD Facts

• Congenital heart defects (CHDs) occur when a baby's heart fails to form properly during early pregnancy. In most cases, the cause is unknown, although scientists feel both genetic and environmental factors play a role.Some environmental factors that increase the risk of CHDs include the mother’s use of cocaine, alcohol or certain medications while pregnant. Some maternal medical conditions – such as diabetes – may also increase risk.
• CHDs are the most common birth defect – and the leading cause of birth defect-related deaths.
• CHDs occur more often than Spina Bifida, Down Syndrome or hearing loss – and kill twice as many children as childhood cancer.
• It is estimated that 40,000 babies with CHDs are born in the United States each year – that’s one in every 100 babies.
• Although some babies will be diagnosed at birth, newborns are not routinely screened for CHDs – and pregnant women are not routinely tested for CHDs.
• There are approximately 35 different types of congenital heart defects. HLHS being the most difficult to "treat".
• Some CHDs may be treated with surgery, medicine and/or devices, such as artificial valves and pacemakers. In the last 25 years, advances in the treatment of heart defects have enabled half a million U.S. children with serious CHDs to survive into adulthood.
• Many cases of sudden cardiac death in young athletes are caused by undiagnosed CHDs and childhood-onset heart disease.
• Early detection is critical to the successful treatment of CHDs. Some heart defects can be detected by a routine ultrasound – but the most effective prenatal test is an echocardiogram performed by a Pediatric Cardiologist.

with the news of Travis Dicarlo passing i stress to everyone who reads this blog.... life can be torn away from you in a heart beat. 

in the December shortly after Olivia was born a wonderful family came to visit Chris and i. they had a beautiful little boy with them he was running around and playing like any other little boy his age. that was Travis. Nicole assured me not to worry that he'd been through so much and look at him running around and happy. i still believe her. i am going to have faith that god knows what he is doing and why he does the things he does. i am going to cherish every moment that i spend with my baby girl because that moment could possibly be the last. <3 we love you travis <3 please watch over Olivia and guide her through her surgeries hold her hand.

yesterday we got to come home... and i am terrified. so easily she can get sick. her lung collapsed from something as simple as swallowing. but thats the thing its not simple. her life will never be simple. this destroys me.

please god find a cure... please god dont take her... 

 so i am praying for my angel to continue to live on and fight hard.

i love you miss Olivia and mommy needs you.

i wear the scars,she wears the scars

i wear the scars of a woman...a woman who has given life. i wear the scars of a woman who protected and nourished a child within her body. i wear the scars.


she wears the scars of a life saving event. she wears the scars of a true fighter... she wears the scars that show how fragile and wonderful life truly is.


the stay at home was very short. to short if you ask me.
the last few days have been some what of a blur.Olivia was admitted on sunday morning and took her first helicopter ride to LPCH. thats right she is back.

post from the past 24 hours of so:

Olivia is in the hospital for a 24 hour watch. She is having some issues with her o2 stats and her NG tube ... :( I am so tired. Please keep us in yur thoughts


We are getting transported back to stanford tonight ... olivias o2 stats keep dropping and there is fluid around and in her lungs . She may have pnemonia or an infection so ill keep u updated


Olivia is getting put on a helicopter now to make the flight over to stanford and chris and i have made it here safely


i really didnt miss the sounds of the CVICU... this blows


i hate waiting while i am tired


hour later still no word on where she is.... hurry up with getting my baby here!


olivia is here and tucked in. she is on oxygen and maintaining o2's in low 80's with help they are still not sure whats going on they are just keeping her stable until morning for more of a plan she is on antibiotics and also iv fluids. her breathing is lss labored and she is looking more pinky. this has been a rough night i am going to try to sleep. please pray for her.


we are waiting for rounds . this mornings xray looked a lot better than yesterdays and Olivia looks nice and pink. she is breathing comfortable but still needing oxygen to keep her stats up.


Also right now they dont think this is heart related for the most part they think maybe an infection... and her heart looks "good" for miss Olivia.


Todays agenda : echo and placing a NJ tube ... baby girl is looking pretty good I will update a little better in a bit
Going back to the hospital makes me nervous. I am taking chris back to fairfield tonight so he can return to work and ill be heading back to miss olivia tomorrow bright and early. Its going to be so lonely being there alone. Hopefully olivia shows them she is capable to strive and go home again


i need to make dinner... im so tired. and all i want to do is hop in the car and drive back to the hospital and be with Olivia.... this sucks ... our family is split up again :(














i mention the scars and you know i am proud of myself for bringing such a beautiful little angel into this world. i just wish i was able to enjoy her more with out worrying that we are doing something wrong...


i really hope this stay isnt as long as the last. i would like to be a whole as a family rather than split up.






side not i pray that miss olivia will strive and get better so she can come home... and i also pray that the dark thoughts stay far away from me.

home

and it feels so good!
i couldnt be happier we got to come home on monday afternoon!
<3

she is the reason i keep going... i love her so much

bloody poop

not again :(

i want to go home.


please god make olivia healthy.

dont take her from us.