December...

December you are here... you remind me of the little yet huge things i am missing... you bring horrid flash backs to times that are so hard to face... december you are here and again you bring the unknown and scary heart breaking days with you....

last December i anxiously waited for chris to get back to the states so we could have our baby girl. i didnt know what was going to happen , i was scared (TERRIFIED!) ... my life felt like i was walking in a tunnel that was pitch black and i had no idea where i was going.

last December was when  the happiest day of my life occurred... yet the saddest at the same time if that was even possible... Olivia started her fight and so did i.

I am still fighting but i have lost sight of what i am fighting for... Olivia is gone and i no longer have to fight with doctors and nurses or with CHDs anymore....
i feel so lost. she was such a huge part of my life and still not a hour in the day that goes by that she is not on my mind.

i cant find my inner peace. today i was restless and angry and i feel like i cannot sort any of my feelings out.


i hate that she is not here. i hate that i dont get to plan a party and have a smash cake. i hate that others know what i am feeling because they too have lost their baby... im losing sleep and i cant figure it out... i just hate it... December i hate you.

....

6 months



damn.
:'(

HAPPY HEALTHY LITTLE....

HEART HEALTHY BABY !!!!

i wish i had more to say but the words escape me i am in pure bliss and could not be happier <3


thank you my little angel for helping to watch over us... and praise god!!!

in march i get to bring home a healthy 4 chamber heart baby!!!

HAPPY HEALTHY LITTLE....

HEART HEALTHY BABY !!!!

i wish i had more to say but the words escape me i am in pure bliss and could not be happier <3


thank you my little angel for helping to watch over us... and praise god!!!

in march i get to bring home a healthy 4 chamber heart baby!!!

burning bridges.

you are burning a bridge at both ends.
you dont realize that not only will this take weeks, months, maybe even years to possibly rebuild...... you may not even be able to do this task.
your words where hateful and untrue.
your motives are still unclear.


do you realize how many you are hurting?

i guess if you did you wouldnt continue doing such hateful things. Grief works in funny ways. we all have our own ways of coping... but i think that maybe you should re-evaluate what you are doing.

you are burning a bridge.

i understand

i understand now why people kill themselves (and before you get your undies so far up your ass you choke on them no i am not suggesting that i am going to or want to kill myself) now back to what i was saying ... i understand why people do it. the pain gets to overwhelming and they cant handle it anymore... i feel this suffocating pain a lot these days with the struggle of money, the struggle between my husband and his Ex, the thought of if my unborn baby being very sick, and the one that keeps me the closest to that edge the thoughts and images of my daughter in her last hours her on earth.
her little body is cold and pale and she was puffy... she was no longer moving and or breathing it was torture to watch it and it is burned in my memory forever... nights like tonight it is clear and even the smells of the hospital are burning my nose. the feeling of holding your childs lifeless body is the most horrible thing any person could ever go through... and it is burned into me... pray to god that you NEVER know this pain.

i live with it every day... i go to bed with it and i wake up with it... i have to go through my life like i havent been touched by this pain....

and peopl,e lie about it ... they make up story's about it... they tell others they have been in these shoes. they FUCKING lie about it... its sick. "mothers" throw their children in trash bins and beat them ... while i sit here staring at a urn with my daughters ashes... i know some woman that can understand what i am going through....but what about those of you who dont....???? ask yourself what would you do... yeah now times that pain you think you feel and multiply it by billions....

and money yeah it could be a whole hell of a lot worst i do have a house that brings me shelter and clothes on my back but that doesnt mean that i am not struggling...


right now i am just fucking sick of this pain... and until you have felt it ... you need to pray that you never do ... and know that even if you think we (me and the many other people dealing with this pain) are ok... we are not and we never will be.

5 months

‎5 months ago I stood at your bed..shaking and crying. 5 months ago I watched you fight for your life. 5 months ago I gave you your last bath. 5months ago i told you there where angels and god waiting for you. 5 months ago I told you to not be scared. 5 months ago you took your last breath. 5 months ago your heart beat for the last time. 5 months ago was the last time I held you in my arms. 5 months ago I held an ANGEL. 1 in 100 babies are born with a heart defect. PLEASE spread awareness... because some one some where is remembering the last time they held their angel for the last time.






until we meet again Olivia... 




today has been rough for me in so many ways and i hope it doesn't continue to get harder as these dates pass me by. the pain and anxiety from it is so suffocating sometimes. I went out to the mall to look around and i found myself depressed that i will not be picking out Olivia's first Halloween outfit... and that there will be no cute picture of her tasting a sour candy for the first time... no more will i get to have those very happy loving cherished moments with my sweet baby girl... because she is not here anymore. she will forever be 4 months and 1 day old... she will never grow up with my other children and she will never go to prom. she will never have her heart broken by the boy in her 3rd period class or win a spelling bee... she will never feel the ocean one her little feet or fly on a plane... 




i miss my little girl... i feel like i am missing such a huge part of me.

about rainbow...

Mommy 
Name: kate
Age: 25Pre-pregnancy weight: i was 186
Current weight: 178
How far along are you: 15w 0d Is this your first pregnancy: no i have a beautiful angel in heaven that goes by OLIVIA EMMA GRACEIf not, how long ago was your last: found out may 6th 2010 and had her on dec. 23rd 2010
Do you have any other children; names and ages: Olivia Emma Grace she would have been 9 months today ... 
How many children do you want to have: as many as god blesses me with 
Do you like being pregnant: yes and no... if i didnt have issues with my bp and the worry that something was going to go wrong i'd enjoy it moreHave you had any morning sickness: YES !!!! threw up a lot this time around
Have you had any mood swings: HAVE I??? hahaha bitch in flip flops hahah 
Have you had a stronger sense of smell: yep
Have you had any swelling in your hands or feet: feet mostly  
Have you had any aches or pains: yeah What do you miss about not being pregnant: SUSHI!!!!!
What makes up for that: the blessing growing inside of me Will you take maternity leave: yes
Favorite maternity outfit: anything comfy!
Favorite past-time while being pregnant: sleeping!
you bought any baby things: no
Are you more excited or nervous: nervous... i need the end of october to get here i need to get our echo... i need to know
About Daddy 
Name: chris
Age: 24Is he working: yes Relationship with you: husband 
How long have you known him: sept 08 Does he have any other children, names and ages: Evelynn kay 3 years ... and our angel
How many children does he want to have: as many as god gives us
What is his favorite past-time: spending time with me
Has he bought anything for baby: no
Will he take time off of work to help you: yes 12 days daddy leave lol
What are his strengths as a dad: he'd do anything for our babies
Is he excited: yes he is
PREGNANCY SO FAR
When did you find out you were pregnant: july 13th
How did you find out: took a dollar tree test  because i was getting funny reads on my ovulation testWho was with you when you found out: Just me well the dogs hahahWhat was your reaction: No way!!! are you effin kidding me!!!! OMG !!!How did the daddy react: we both cried! How did your parents react: Excited How did his parents react: they said congrats... we are still a little nervous
Were you trying to conceive: YesDid you consider an abortion: NEVER Who is your doctor: stanford team
How far along were you at your first appointment: 7 weeks Have you heard the baby's heart beat: yes Have you had any ultrasounds: yes 2Have you had a 3D/4D ultrasound: yes  it was amazing Have you had any complications: high blood pressure
Are you high risk: yes
Are you having a boy or a girl: dont know
Have you picked out any names yet: Yes If so, what are they:not saying
Any food cravings:cucmbers
Craziest thing you have eaten: nothing
Do you have any pregnant friends: I do a few :)
Do you frequent any baby forums: yep
Have you felt any movement: flutters 
Has dad felt any movement: no 
Do you or dad talk to baby: I kinda do 
When did you first start showing: ten weeks maybe lol
Do you have any stretch marks: yeah from previous pregnancy not a lot olivia was kind to me 
How have you been sleeping: horribly 
Have you had any really strange dreams:not really
Have you gotten any braxton-hicks contractions: yes. i hate them
Has dad had to make any midnight snack runs: yes lol
Have you made baby shower plans: sort of
Have you registered anywhere: yes 3 places
What was the first thing bought for baby: nothing
Are you going to take any birthing classes: no 
Have you read any pregnancy or baby books: yeah 
When is your next doctors appointment: monday 

Birth Plans 
At home or hospital: HOSPITAL 
Vaginal or C-section: hopefully vaginal again... most amazing experience ever!
Natural or medicated: natural if i can hang but if needed medicated 
Will you be induced: yeah... i will be
Who will be in the delivery room with you: my husband and maybe my aunt
Are you going to have a doula: no 
What are a few things you will make sure to have with you: camera, camcorder,boppy, change of clothes for a few days, zune and laptop
Are you going to take pictures or video: yes both :)
Will dad cut the cord: yes 
If you are having a boy, will you circumsize: yes even though i am scared out of mind to do so
Will any relatives come into town: who knows 
Are you scared: no... i have been through horror... i am not afraid of giving birth
Baby's Arrival 
Do you have a coming home outfit: no
Will you come home as soon as you can: no i will be making sure they are doing all the test before we leave!
What is the best thing about being at the hospital: the care 
What is the worst thing about being at the hospital: constipation lol
What is the best thing about coming home: i have not had a normal home coming ... but having my child home with me is a huge thing for me and my husband 
What is the nursery theme: forest i think 
Will you breastfeed or use formula: boobie baby all the way hopefully 
Will you co-sleep:nope
Cloth diapers or regular: REGULAR 
What can't you wait for the most: watching my child  grow up... 

i wish...

i wish i had more to talk about... i wish i could write a compelling blog entry about life, love and death but really all i can think when i get to this page to write is God why did you have to take her? why did she have to leave us? and God i miss my baby so so much....

people dont want to reread this over and over. i am sure they are very aware that i miss my little love more than anything....

I did however was added to a grieving mother group today and i couldnt help but thank god that my sweet angel was not murdered and that although she went through tremendous amounts of poking and prodding we tried our best to keep her comfortable and she smiled a lot! she did not get brutally murdered or die in a horrible crash.

AND i know that NOTHING i did contributed or caused my daughters DEATH... i gave her life! and i loved her with ALL of my HEART. and knowing this helps me to continue to live each day for her and I both!

as for our lives as of late Rainbow bean is looking good and NT scan went very well. very happy with the results ... baby looks beautiful.
thank you olivia for helping god chose our rainbow baby.


and in case you didnt get it from all of that
I MISS MY BABY GIRL!

my day

was going pretty smooth... nothing out of the norm. i wasnt upset i felt fine .
then chris brought in the mail. we got a RMH newsletter and in it was this :

i cried out when i saw it... i am crying as i type this. it is a knife to my chest i miss Olivia so much. its so damn hard to see stuff like this.


i love you Olivia always baby girl

one year ago today

i was told

" your baby had hypoplastic left heart syndrome"


i was a newly named CHD mommy....

my life changed forever.

introducing Olivias little rainbow bean!

i just know that if Olivia was here to be with her baby brother or sister she would be amazing with him or here.... because that"s how i raise my kids :D
Although i am very sad that things didnt go how i wanted them to and olivia had to return to god ...i am thankful i have such a beautiful angel looking down and protecting our newest member of the family.

as for today.

i made it to stanford at 10:30am to do my glucose test (2 hour) ... they took my blood. the lady commited an epic fail and i was ready to fire her! lol... drank the horrible orange koolaid! waited an hour... lady failed again but got blood after jamming me a few times.... sat another hour... got more blood taken .... then ran to the main hospital .

i checked in and shortly after they called me back. i laid down and they put the goop on my belly and bam there the baby was!!!!

sorry it is upside down. but there he or she is! 

heart beat was 260 bpm .... yes i know it is high i see that i talked to both the doctor and the tech and

 i am in one of the best hospitals in the world. they both said it is nothing to worry about

 and that if it was lower then that would be something to worry about because of a mc. but

 if the baby is having issues now there is absolutely nothing i can do or them about it so i 

just

 have to trust that god knows what he is doing..

i am a bit nervous but i trust that i can handle the worst and the best so i am taking it as 

they come. that all i can do.

running circles

I eat, I sleep, i stress, i go to sleep... repeat.
life has been this way this month. its getting very tiresome. the "normal" stress on my shoulders sometimes is to much for any sane person to carry , to make it through the day with out screaming and kicking and thrashing about letting everyone know "i cant fucking take it anymore" now for me throw on the stress anger and sadness of losing my first child and i should be screaming uncontrollable that i cannot take the pain anymore.
i dont. i guess some days i dont even let myself feel the pain. I know myself i know what i am capable of. I am not ready to hit a downward spiral that who knows if i could recover from.

Depression : Ive felt you before, i know what it feels like to have my life crash all around me a few times. I may only be 25 but those of you who know me best know i have lived .... live through things that one shouldnt have to be pushed and pulled and dragged through. Some how I am keeping you away depression ... some how i manage to get out of bed and do a daily mixture of stuff i feel i should be doing. Like getting a job. I need a job so i can hold on to what ever sanity i have left.

Sadness: I hold you when there is no one around. times like this when i am sitting in my living room alone i cry, scream, sob, and wallow in self pitty ( i feel sorry for me and mothers like me that have to know this horrific pain) i try my best not to let you out around others... i mean it is very hard not to but i do my best . I dont want others to alienate me more than they already do. I lost my child it is not a disease you can catch dont worry if you come into contact with me you will not lose yours too (that is if he/she wasnt meant to die)... I dont talk to so many of the people i called friends about a year and a half ago. after finding out about Olivia they just stopped being around thats ok though i understand the " what i dont understand scares me " and the "i just dont know what to say" but thats not important.

New: my life is new, its a new way of thinking and talking ,and loving a new way of just BEING. Every thing is the same but totally different.
i am not the same person i was a year ago. I am not the same person i was 3 months 3 weeks and 2 days ago.

Im running in circles in my head about all of this. Life and how strange it is.


it really is.

some xmas photos taken the day before i went in to be induced

what i would give to go back and do it over. labor and all. i miss having my sweet little girl close to me. missing that angel baby of mine.

praying

Psalm 71:20-21 
Lord, Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

over whelmed

so over whelmed with emotions today. so pissed off at so many people ... and because this blog is not private i will not be naming any one. but i wish i could walk up to "your" face and spit in it.

today making a shirt for evelynn to wear to the heart walk tomorrow has really fucked me up. i am so angry ... why the fuck does this happen!! MY BABY SHOULDNT BE DEAD! i shouldnt have to tell anyone that she is in heaven. she should be in my arms.

i shouldnt have to be feeling so awful!

I HATE these mothers i see that take it for granted. your fucking kid isnt promised! I hate the woman who have abortions like it is a form of birth control when so many of my friends struggle everyday because they cannot get pregnant.

i am so angry.



i dont know how to be calm and relaxed in this pregnancy... i have to face that there IS a chance that this baby can be sick too, that i can be sick with this pregnancy and to top it all off my baby died. now i am terrified that it can happen again.


i fucking hate this. i hate how fucked up this world is.

hello August

well blog you are almost a year old.
i started you because of the horrifying news that my precious Olivia was going to be born fighting for her life. She was a fighter from day one.
Oh how my life has change so much sense August 1st 2010.
i was getting ready to get married to my husband. preparing little details of the wedding... talking and dreaming about my trip back to the UK and how excited i was to be making a family with my best friend.
its amazing how much can change in a year.
Not only have i grown to be such a stronger person i am also more caring and emotionally open to others. I love fully and have no shame in that.
I lost my daughter to a cruel heart defect. i still do not understand why god had to take her but i do know that is not something that i should question. i am forever grateful for her and the joy that she brought into my life.
Although i am torn to pieces inside and still wish everyday it was a dream. i want to wake up and she is still here. but i keep going.

As of this Aug i suffer from PTSD and will turn pale white if my phone rings, i am anxious and i get panic attacks when i am in certain places. most of the time i feel ok. like i can get through but when i feel bad it is bad. I am pregnant and i know that stressing and panic is not good for me nor the baby so i try to talk myself down. i thank god daily that he gave me another chance to be a mommy... i get scared when i think about what could happen with this one but i try not to be scared. i have wonderful support from a lot of wonderful women and i dont think i would have made it this far with out them.

i dont know what i will do later in this year i am dreading the Christmas season ... but i have to remain strong and stand tall and enjoy life to the fullest ...if not for myself then for my Olivia ... she fought so hard to be alive so i know that there is something to live for!


i love you olivia. <3

a true blessing

well Chris and i found out on July 13th that we will be welcoming a new little bundle of joy to our family!

We prayed hard for this and couldn't believe when we found out.
‎"Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.


 We have a special little angel helping us up there. I am hoping that she picked a special little one that is just as sassy and full of love life and wonder as she was! We feel so blessed and are extremely happy!

thank you lord

God is great...
thank you for everything you have blessed me with in my life! thank you for loving me and my family...
i trust in you lord and i am grateful ...


<3

please give my angel kisses for her mommy!

august

with august coming up i was reminded of the horrifying news i received when i was pregnant with Olivia. not only was i a new mom but i was now faced with a even more frighting news...my child would be born with half a heart.
i read a post from a fellow heart mom that reminded me that this anniversary was quickly approaching. I have been brought to my knees countless times in my life and once more tonight i am on my knees praying to god to see me through this dark time. to give me the strength to carry on in this scary world and to find light in my day.

i am humbled and thankful for the amount of support and loving kind words that come from day to day cheering me on and reminding me truly how special Olivia's life was and still is to many. although she was only here for 4 short months she touched hundreds of people and with that thought i will go to bed thankful that god BLESSED ME with such and amazing baby girl. she surely will never be forgotten.

bitterness

so i am starting to think that maybe i should start doing a bunch of drugs, neglecting my family and running around on my husband because it seems like every piece of shit low life has a bunch of healthy children....

so obviously if you know me you know that i would never do this to myself but it is something i am very bitter about. i don't understand how a DRUGGY can go on to have perfectly healthy children... how woman WHORES!!! can go on and pop out a bunch of children and neglect them.... i don't understand why GOD would allow this to happen....
i did everything right ... i took ever good care of myself and the one thing, THE ONE THING that i love the most ...that meant EVERYTHING to me was ripped away from me.

I went to the ER yesterday at 2pm and didnt go home until 1am. they did blood test...a pap...pelvic and an ultrasound (external and internal...) to find out that i have a  large cyst in my uterus and one on my ovary. it is causing a lot of pain and i am 5 days late and my cycle is all fucked up. this makes me furious! why... why do i need more on my plate.... why do i have to keep running into a wall.

home life isnt any easier with chris working 12 hour shifts.

i just wanna call a time out ... or quit. i am so bitter.

the sharp knife of short life

If i die young...

thinking about the lyrics of this song... people start to listen when your dead? i remember the flood of friends request on my facebook... how the followers of my blog jumped up... still i get multiple request everyday...
i wish that they got to see olivia when she was alive... i wish i didnt have to talk about her death... i wish she was here and i had nothing exciting to report. well i guess thats a lie... everything in my little miss's life was exciting... man i miss her.

i have a interview today at carters. i really hope that i get it. i need something positive in my life. something to move forward to feel like i have something again. something to call mine. throw myself into work ... maybe make me feel a little better about where my life has dumped me off on the side of the road and said "here we are going to just stay here a while" then maybe i can find some flowers in this empty field  or a butterfly to chase.

Life at home could be a lot better but chris and i are working on being ok. some days are harder but what can you do.

things are...

just to hard right now...
there is no way to feel ok.

i just want to be ok right now.

i miss olivia. things just are not ok.

why is this week so hard?

why am i struggling with this week so bad...
why am i having such a hard time getting out of bed
why do i have to talk myself into getting up
why does this pain  make my body ache
why is she not in my arms
why do people feel they must treat me ... not going to get into that.


a whole bunch of whys the list can go on...

i hate that she had to go.

why cant i be with you.

failed

Today,
I felt that sting...the pain got a hold of me and didnt let go.
Days like today i am overwhelmed by tremendous hurt. I question god ...
Please tell me why you made me a woman? where as a woman is designed to create life...I could not do so.
My heart breaks knowing that in a couple weeks my sweet child would have been 6 months old. I found a photo of myself when i was 7 months and it ripped through my heart. Olivia looked so much like me. Knowing i will not see her grow up into the beautiful young woman i know she would have been, destroys me.

dearest mommy

Dearest Mommy, 
When you wonder the meaning of life and love 
Know that I am with you 
Close your eyes and feel me kissing you 
In the gentle breeze across your cheek 
When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again 
Quiet your mind and hear me 
I am in the whisper of the heavens 
Speaking of your love 
When you lose your identity 
When you question who you are 
Where you are going 
Open your heart and see me 
I am the twinkle in the stars 
Smiling down upon you 
Lighting the path for your journey 
When you awaken each morning 
Not remembering your dreams 
But feeling content and serene 
Know that I was with you 
Filling your night with thoughts of me 
When you linger in the remnant pain 
Wholeness seeming so unfamiliar 
Think of me and know that I am with you 
Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend 
Easing the pain 
As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky 
In that breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit 
Think of our time together, all too brief, but ever brilliant 
When you were certain of your destiny 
Know that God created that moment in time, just for us. 
Dearest Mommy, I am with you always 

Bike ride across country

My baby is doing it right now as we speak. Her little owl is safely placed on a close friend of ours Nick Busta's bike. Right on his handle bars where he can see it! they are all they way in Utah now they started their ride on June 1st. you see this is a special bike ride. they are riding for heart babies, teenagers and adults living with a broken heart. Jeni and Nick do so many amazing things i am so happy that we got to meet. They also where at Stanford the DAYS (lol yes days) of labor and the special day Olivia graced us with her amazing presence.

It makes me happy to know a little piece of Olivia gets to travel the country side. I know she would have loved seeing all the sites! I am proud of Jeni and Nick for doing such amazing things in the CHD community and i am even more excited and happy to say what wonderful people they truly are.

want to see more about their bike ride and what they are up to? go here:www.bike4thechf.org

Bike 4 The CHF

www.bike4thechf.org

stress

is pretty high in my mind...
but i did get up and go to the post office, Starbucks, and the commissary today. and i made a special dinner for Chris's bday and a cake to celebrate the day with him.

but we have Evelynn and she is acting out. she complains a lot about her boo boo's and says she has boo boos like her mom,papa,me and baby sister a lot. some days she throws a fit where she is soaked in sweat and coughing ... its frustrating because i cant do much for fake boo boos .

hopefully she will settle out after a bath.

Ive also started cutting coupons to see if i can save us some money. hopefully it works.

i miss you

doesnt that say it all.

my heart aches for you sweet baby.
my head hurts with racing thoughts of you my little girl.
my arms scream with agony begging for you angel.
my feet wander with no purpose trying to find you my owl.


im crying sitting here begging for some peace.
life is hard to do with a hole in your heart.

God saw her getting tired,
A cure was not to be
He wrapped her in his loving arms
And whispered "Come to me".
She suffered much in silence,
Her spirit did not bend
She faced her pain with courage
Until the very end.
She tried so hard to stay with us
But her fight was not in vain
God took her to his loving home
And freed her from the pain




Olivia has been gone one month today....


we miss you sweet baby girl <3

the first time i held you...i never wanted to let you go.

enjoying one of the many toys ...i think this was her favorite

yo yo yo mommy whats up?

watching tv at home with mommy she loved Heroes

tummy tummy time at home <3

forever in our hearts