praying

Psalm 71:20-21 
Lord, Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

over whelmed

so over whelmed with emotions today. so pissed off at so many people ... and because this blog is not private i will not be naming any one. but i wish i could walk up to "your" face and spit in it.

today making a shirt for evelynn to wear to the heart walk tomorrow has really fucked me up. i am so angry ... why the fuck does this happen!! MY BABY SHOULDNT BE DEAD! i shouldnt have to tell anyone that she is in heaven. she should be in my arms.

i shouldnt have to be feeling so awful!

I HATE these mothers i see that take it for granted. your fucking kid isnt promised! I hate the woman who have abortions like it is a form of birth control when so many of my friends struggle everyday because they cannot get pregnant.

i am so angry.



i dont know how to be calm and relaxed in this pregnancy... i have to face that there IS a chance that this baby can be sick too, that i can be sick with this pregnancy and to top it all off my baby died. now i am terrified that it can happen again.


i fucking hate this. i hate how fucked up this world is.

hello August

well blog you are almost a year old.
i started you because of the horrifying news that my precious Olivia was going to be born fighting for her life. She was a fighter from day one.
Oh how my life has change so much sense August 1st 2010.
i was getting ready to get married to my husband. preparing little details of the wedding... talking and dreaming about my trip back to the UK and how excited i was to be making a family with my best friend.
its amazing how much can change in a year.
Not only have i grown to be such a stronger person i am also more caring and emotionally open to others. I love fully and have no shame in that.
I lost my daughter to a cruel heart defect. i still do not understand why god had to take her but i do know that is not something that i should question. i am forever grateful for her and the joy that she brought into my life.
Although i am torn to pieces inside and still wish everyday it was a dream. i want to wake up and she is still here. but i keep going.

As of this Aug i suffer from PTSD and will turn pale white if my phone rings, i am anxious and i get panic attacks when i am in certain places. most of the time i feel ok. like i can get through but when i feel bad it is bad. I am pregnant and i know that stressing and panic is not good for me nor the baby so i try to talk myself down. i thank god daily that he gave me another chance to be a mommy... i get scared when i think about what could happen with this one but i try not to be scared. i have wonderful support from a lot of wonderful women and i dont think i would have made it this far with out them.

i dont know what i will do later in this year i am dreading the Christmas season ... but i have to remain strong and stand tall and enjoy life to the fullest ...if not for myself then for my Olivia ... she fought so hard to be alive so i know that there is something to live for!


i love you olivia. <3

a true blessing

well Chris and i found out on July 13th that we will be welcoming a new little bundle of joy to our family!

We prayed hard for this and couldn't believe when we found out.
‎"Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.


 We have a special little angel helping us up there. I am hoping that she picked a special little one that is just as sassy and full of love life and wonder as she was! We feel so blessed and are extremely happy!

thank you lord

God is great...
thank you for everything you have blessed me with in my life! thank you for loving me and my family...
i trust in you lord and i am grateful ...


<3

please give my angel kisses for her mommy!

august

with august coming up i was reminded of the horrifying news i received when i was pregnant with Olivia. not only was i a new mom but i was now faced with a even more frighting news...my child would be born with half a heart.
i read a post from a fellow heart mom that reminded me that this anniversary was quickly approaching. I have been brought to my knees countless times in my life and once more tonight i am on my knees praying to god to see me through this dark time. to give me the strength to carry on in this scary world and to find light in my day.

i am humbled and thankful for the amount of support and loving kind words that come from day to day cheering me on and reminding me truly how special Olivia's life was and still is to many. although she was only here for 4 short months she touched hundreds of people and with that thought i will go to bed thankful that god BLESSED ME with such and amazing baby girl. she surely will never be forgotten.

bitterness

so i am starting to think that maybe i should start doing a bunch of drugs, neglecting my family and running around on my husband because it seems like every piece of shit low life has a bunch of healthy children....

so obviously if you know me you know that i would never do this to myself but it is something i am very bitter about. i don't understand how a DRUGGY can go on to have perfectly healthy children... how woman WHORES!!! can go on and pop out a bunch of children and neglect them.... i don't understand why GOD would allow this to happen....
i did everything right ... i took ever good care of myself and the one thing, THE ONE THING that i love the most ...that meant EVERYTHING to me was ripped away from me.

I went to the ER yesterday at 2pm and didnt go home until 1am. they did blood test...a pap...pelvic and an ultrasound (external and internal...) to find out that i have a  large cyst in my uterus and one on my ovary. it is causing a lot of pain and i am 5 days late and my cycle is all fucked up. this makes me furious! why... why do i need more on my plate.... why do i have to keep running into a wall.

home life isnt any easier with chris working 12 hour shifts.

i just wanna call a time out ... or quit. i am so bitter.