decided that i need a new blog...
please feel free to follow us over to www.therewherethree.blogspot.com
our journey with Olivia has changed and has developed into what our life is like with out her here on earth with us.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Saturday, December 3, 2011
December...
December you are here... you remind me of the little yet huge things i am missing... you bring horrid flash backs to times that are so hard to face... december you are here and again you bring the unknown and scary heart breaking days with you....
last December i anxiously waited for chris to get back to the states so we could have our baby girl. i didnt know what was going to happen , i was scared (TERRIFIED!) ... my life felt like i was walking in a tunnel that was pitch black and i had no idea where i was going.
last December was when the happiest day of my life occurred... yet the saddest at the same time if that was even possible... Olivia started her fight and so did i.
I am still fighting but i have lost sight of what i am fighting for... Olivia is gone and i no longer have to fight with doctors and nurses or with CHDs anymore....
i feel so lost. she was such a huge part of my life and still not a hour in the day that goes by that she is not on my mind.
i cant find my inner peace. today i was restless and angry and i feel like i cannot sort any of my feelings out.
i hate that she is not here. i hate that i dont get to plan a party and have a smash cake. i hate that others know what i am feeling because they too have lost their baby... im losing sleep and i cant figure it out... i just hate it... December i hate you.
last December i anxiously waited for chris to get back to the states so we could have our baby girl. i didnt know what was going to happen , i was scared (TERRIFIED!) ... my life felt like i was walking in a tunnel that was pitch black and i had no idea where i was going.
last December was when the happiest day of my life occurred... yet the saddest at the same time if that was even possible... Olivia started her fight and so did i.
I am still fighting but i have lost sight of what i am fighting for... Olivia is gone and i no longer have to fight with doctors and nurses or with CHDs anymore....
i feel so lost. she was such a huge part of my life and still not a hour in the day that goes by that she is not on my mind.
i cant find my inner peace. today i was restless and angry and i feel like i cannot sort any of my feelings out.
i hate that she is not here. i hate that i dont get to plan a party and have a smash cake. i hate that others know what i am feeling because they too have lost their baby... im losing sleep and i cant figure it out... i just hate it... December i hate you.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
HAPPY HEALTHY LITTLE....
HEART HEALTHY BABY !!!!
i wish i had more to say but the words escape me i am in pure bliss and could not be happier <3
thank you my little angel for helping to watch over us... and praise god!!!
in march i get to bring home a healthy 4 chamber heart baby!!!
i wish i had more to say but the words escape me i am in pure bliss and could not be happier <3
thank you my little angel for helping to watch over us... and praise god!!!
in march i get to bring home a healthy 4 chamber heart baby!!!
HAPPY HEALTHY LITTLE....
HEART HEALTHY BABY !!!!
i wish i had more to say but the words escape me i am in pure bliss and could not be happier <3
thank you my little angel for helping to watch over us... and praise god!!!
in march i get to bring home a healthy 4 chamber heart baby!!!
i wish i had more to say but the words escape me i am in pure bliss and could not be happier <3
thank you my little angel for helping to watch over us... and praise god!!!
in march i get to bring home a healthy 4 chamber heart baby!!!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
burning bridges.
you are burning a bridge at both ends.
you dont realize that not only will this take weeks, months, maybe even years to possibly rebuild...... you may not even be able to do this task.
your words where hateful and untrue.
your motives are still unclear.
do you realize how many you are hurting?
i guess if you did you wouldnt continue doing such hateful things. Grief works in funny ways. we all have our own ways of coping... but i think that maybe you should re-evaluate what you are doing.
you are burning a bridge.
you dont realize that not only will this take weeks, months, maybe even years to possibly rebuild...... you may not even be able to do this task.
your words where hateful and untrue.
your motives are still unclear.
do you realize how many you are hurting?
i guess if you did you wouldnt continue doing such hateful things. Grief works in funny ways. we all have our own ways of coping... but i think that maybe you should re-evaluate what you are doing.
you are burning a bridge.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
i understand
i understand now why people kill themselves (and before you get your undies so far up your ass you choke on them no i am not suggesting that i am going to or want to kill myself) now back to what i was saying ... i understand why people do it. the pain gets to overwhelming and they cant handle it anymore... i feel this suffocating pain a lot these days with the struggle of money, the struggle between my husband and his Ex, the thought of if my unborn baby being very sick, and the one that keeps me the closest to that edge the thoughts and images of my daughter in her last hours her on earth.
her little body is cold and pale and she was puffy... she was no longer moving and or breathing it was torture to watch it and it is burned in my memory forever... nights like tonight it is clear and even the smells of the hospital are burning my nose. the feeling of holding your childs lifeless body is the most horrible thing any person could ever go through... and it is burned into me... pray to god that you NEVER know this pain.
i live with it every day... i go to bed with it and i wake up with it... i have to go through my life like i havent been touched by this pain....
and peopl,e lie about it ... they make up story's about it... they tell others they have been in these shoes. they FUCKING lie about it... its sick. "mothers" throw their children in trash bins and beat them ... while i sit here staring at a urn with my daughters ashes... i know some woman that can understand what i am going through....but what about those of you who dont....???? ask yourself what would you do... yeah now times that pain you think you feel and multiply it by billions....
and money yeah it could be a whole hell of a lot worst i do have a house that brings me shelter and clothes on my back but that doesnt mean that i am not struggling...
right now i am just fucking sick of this pain... and until you have felt it ... you need to pray that you never do ... and know that even if you think we (me and the many other people dealing with this pain) are ok... we are not and we never will be.
her little body is cold and pale and she was puffy... she was no longer moving and or breathing it was torture to watch it and it is burned in my memory forever... nights like tonight it is clear and even the smells of the hospital are burning my nose. the feeling of holding your childs lifeless body is the most horrible thing any person could ever go through... and it is burned into me... pray to god that you NEVER know this pain.
i live with it every day... i go to bed with it and i wake up with it... i have to go through my life like i havent been touched by this pain....
and peopl,e lie about it ... they make up story's about it... they tell others they have been in these shoes. they FUCKING lie about it... its sick. "mothers" throw their children in trash bins and beat them ... while i sit here staring at a urn with my daughters ashes... i know some woman that can understand what i am going through....but what about those of you who dont....???? ask yourself what would you do... yeah now times that pain you think you feel and multiply it by billions....
and money yeah it could be a whole hell of a lot worst i do have a house that brings me shelter and clothes on my back but that doesnt mean that i am not struggling...
right now i am just fucking sick of this pain... and until you have felt it ... you need to pray that you never do ... and know that even if you think we (me and the many other people dealing with this pain) are ok... we are not and we never will be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)