Thursday, April 28, 2011

when things get rough...

i sing a song that makes me think of you and i tell you how much i love you.
i know that your heart is finally healed and that you are smiling that big amazing smile down on me and daddy.
i went to pick out some of your things for you and it was really hard but i wanted to make sure you had all your prettys ....


i love you little miss.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

i miss you.

even though i know you are no longer hurting i miss you greatly.
even though i know you had to go i miss you.


the silence in our house is overwhelming.

god i miss my baby please give her a kiss and snuggles for me ....

Monday, April 25, 2011

an angel.

her heart could not take it anymore. her body could not hold up. she was a true fighter. please dont be sorry... our sweet girl is in heaven and god has made her heart whole again. 
goodnight my sweet baby. sleep sound and fly high. show them who's boss my diva. mommy and daddy love you.

<3 OLIVIA EMMA GRACE <3  
December 23rd 2010 to April 24th 2011
to special for earth.


 ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN HEAVEN, AND JESUS IS ROUNDING UP ALL HIS TINIEST ANGELS TO GO LIVE ON EARTH AND BE BORN.
ONE OF THE SWEETEST ANGELS SAYS TO JESUS "I DONT WANT TO LEAVE HERE, I LIKE IT HERE, I WILL MISS YOU!"
HE REASSURES THE SCARED LITTLE ANGEL THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK, THAT SHE IS ONLY GOING FOR A VISIT.
SHE IS STILL NOT SWAYED ON THIS.
SO JESUS KNEELS DOWN AND SAYS" HOW ABOUT I LEAVE HALF OF YOU HEART WITH ME AND SEND YOU WITH THE OTHER, WILL THAT BE OK?"
THE ANGEL SMILE AND SAYS "I GUESS THAT WILL BE OK"
BUT THE LITTLE ANGEL IS STILL A LITTLE SCARED. SHE ASKS "WILL I BE OK WITH JUST HALF OF MY HEART?"
JESUS REPLIES "OF COURSE YOU WILL I HAVE OTHER ANGELS THERE THAT WILL HELP YOU OUT, YOU WILL BE FINE"
THEN JESUS GIVES THE LITTLE ANGEL MORE DETAILS ABOUT HIS PLAN
HE SAYS "WHEN YOU ARE BORN YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY WILL BE SCARED, SO YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG AND WHEN YOU FEEL WEAK JUST REMEMBER I HAVE THE OTHER HALF OF YOUR HEART"
"SO ENJOY YOUR TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY, PLAY AND LAUGH" "AND WHEN IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO COME TO HEAVEN I WILL MAKE YOUR HEART WHOLE AGAIN"
"AND JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT BROKEN YOU ARE JUST TORN BETWEEN TO LOVES"

Saturday, April 9, 2011

anxiety

ive been having a lot more these days. we cant make it one week without something happening. i am always waiting for something to happen.
live in the n ow.
live in the now.
stupid mind wont shut off.

i dreamed about when i get to take olivia home it was really nice.

8 more weeks or so maybe?.... (fuck) thats a long time.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

the light at the end

i want to see it... i want to believe in it. i want to feel the warmth of it on my face.
earlier i asked for some one to figure out how many days total we've been here at the hospital and it is 91. olivia has been alive a little over a hundred days now and 91 of them has been in a hospital. we want to go home. well i want to go home. it is so hard not to notice moms with their kids at the store and the empty car seat in the back seat of my car. it is a slap in the face.

i dont even really remember being pregnant. i dont remember the feelings i had. i am in survival mode and i just want her to make it out of here alive. everyday i think about how unreal this is. its a weird irritating feeling most of the time. i go out with chris and i feel like i dont have a child.... like i never went through the pregnancy or the birth of my daughter. i feel like to every stranger i am just a semi-fat sloppy young woman who most likely drinks to much and thats why i wear the extra weight around my belly.... not because i gave birth to a beautiful 6 pound 1 ounce baby girl, who sits in a hospital bed fighting for her life everyday. they dont see that.

today i am struggling to see the light in all of this i feel like this is a sick joke that some one is playing on my family. i just wish there where dates and times and a iron clad promise that olivia will get to come home with us and she wont have to return to stanford for many months after this surgery.

everyday spent here it feels like the window of people who understand how i feel gets smaller.

 i am disappointed in a lot of people ... but then again thats their fault for not getting to know olivia. she is amazing by the way. she lights up the room.

and with saying that about her it reminds me that i did find the light.... Olivia is the light. i really hate we are not home doing "normal" things but i wouldnt take it back. so i am thanking god he sent me the light because with out it i dunno where id be.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

iris.

And I'd give up forever to touch you 
Cause I know that you feel me somehow 
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be 
And I don't want to go home right now
 
(my earth angel... you have given me so much happiness in such a short time. thank you for showing me heaven...i never want to leave your side. i am sorry that i cant snuggle you all night. but i promise that when i can i will. i will hold you and hug you when ever you need me) 
And all I can taste is this moment 
And all I can breathe is your life 
Cause sooner or later it's over 
I just don't want to miss you tonight 

(i wish i could explain to you why mommy has to leave every night. i wish i can tell you why things are happening to you. every second of the day that i am not with you i miss you. mommy loves you so very much)
And I don't want the world to see me 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand 
When everything's made to be broken 
I just want you to know who I am
 
(your heart was made broken and i am sorry. and we are going to fight hard because i want you to know who your mommy is. and know that i will be right here next to you to help you fight)

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming 
Or the moment of truth in your lies 
When everything seems like the movies 
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive 

(everything is going to seem scary and i am sorry i cant take away your pain but when you feel like this is not real remember that you have me to help you through it. you have bled so much blood in your short life and there will be times you will have to endure more but you ill fight to stay alive!)
And I don't want the world to see me 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand 
When everything's made to be broken 
I just want you to know who I am 

I don't want the world to see me 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand 
When everything's made to be broken 
I just want you to know who I am 

I just want you to know who I am 
I just want you to know who I am 
I just want you to know who I am 
I just want you to know who I am 

Monday, April 4, 2011

2 months if smooth sailing


god please help us get through this.

please take the pain of withdraws away from Olivia.

please help the doctors choose the correct path to mend her broken heart.





i have one wish for my birthday. i would like my baby girl to be stable and close to going home!

Olivia is officially in 0-3 month clothes and is tall. she is such a beautiful little girl.
extubation went somewhat well. but she does have some rhythm issues. hopefully the will figure this out.




Friday, April 1, 2011

what makes us laugh

little owls... note the hand made wings... please dont fly away my beautiful little owlie <3

the gangster lean in the hood...with my beany ! 
looking hot in my shades! California girls were undeniable fine, fresh, fierce we got it on lock west coast represent now put your hands up ooooooh oh oooooh! 

and the handle bar sach' hahahha ...awe i do realize my daughter may hate me for this but this by far was to funny to pass up!

and just to show you the IPV treatment.... we are trying to get her right lung back up and looking good!
video